mistress of science

Pride

2010-04-27T18:34:00.000-07:00

I haven't felt this in a while, pride at the end of the day. I am a simple public servant and what I do matters. *sigh* It's a good thing.

Bad Science

2010-04-14T19:54:00.000-07:00

I don't mean to continue a rant on a job that I'm leaving, but I must address one last issue; Bad, bad, bad science. I've spent basically my whole adult life in pursuit of scientific truth and I've learned from great scientists how the art of science is practiced. I'm highly ethical, and meticulous in my science. So, when management told us what results we needed to find in the data we were about to collect, I had to swallow a snort of contempt. In other words corporate already said what the data was, now we had to make it so. I've spent years working on maintaining neutrality, knowing any result is interesting, there is no emotional investment in an outcome, and finding the truth of an experiment is the real purpose. I do pure science, not corporate order science.

Two Weeks and Counting

2010-04-12T17:39:00.000-07:00

I've done it. I've landed a new job, best of all a job that I can be proud of and feel challenged by. I have learned a bit from these last 3 months. Not about science or research, but a bit about myself. Specifically, how in my adult life I've frequently let my work (or schooling) define who I was. I labeled myself "college student", "conservationist", and "grad-student" in turn. (All the while thinking of myself as an independent person who rejected labels.) It's a bit funny to think that I only realized this short coming when I got stuck in to a job I was ashamed of, and had to search for purpose and meaning in other parts of my life. I certainly haven't gotten it all figured out (what would be the fun of figuring everything out this early on) but I have found that I need to have goals and purpose in my personal life as well as my professional (maybe even first).

Faking it.

2010-03-02T16:00:00.000-08:00

How do you deal with hating what you do everyday?

At first I tried to fake it. But I soon realized every insincere smile and consenting comment killed a little piece of my soul. I was also afraid that one day the hyper-conservative nonsense spewed by my co-workers would begin sounding sensible. So one day I just stopped. I didn't actively look miserable, or begin voicing the angry and satirical comments that sounded in my head. I just let the gray shade of indifference mold my expressions. And indifference is about as good as I ever feel about the work I do. This "research" job sits squarely at the bottom of the list for jobs that I've enjoyed or could feel proud of (and I had to survive 6 years of schooling just to do it.) On the best days I feel that gray cloud of indifference envelop me and I ignore the work at hand to let my mind focus on an audiobook or thoughts of something at home. On the bad days I can't stop feeling the frustration and contempt for the tasks at hand and I rake the same negative thoughts over the coals until I've given myself a stomachache. On the worst days I end up weeping silently alone in a dark bathroom, wondering how I'll ever climb out of this hole I've descended into. Say what you will about the stress graduate school has on your mind, body, and personal finances but I only had one tearful melt down during the whole 2 years and 2 months I was there. I haven't kept count of the number of times I've fought back tears of despair and frustration at work or the times I relented and shed those tears at home, but it's more than once (way more) and I've only been there 2 months. I haven't found a way to deal with hating what I do all day. Maybe it's the way I was raised, but I've always needed to feel proud of my work. Even back in my undergrad days when I worked retail I could find things (quite a few things actually) to be proud of. I can't force myself to be proud of the pointless capitalist shit called research I'm forced to take part in, because I think any spark of a soul left in me would certainly die. But maybe there are other, better ways to deal with throwing away 8 hours of my day.

Dueling Red Pens

2009-12-04T11:06:00.000-08:00

Symbolic as a read pen is to editing I actually haven't seen much red ink over the last two years. That's not to say that my drafts don't get marked up like the tattooed man, but typically I see ink in shades of blue and black or occasionally graphite. But referring to contradicting editors notes as "dueling number 2's" or "dueling bic's with chewed ends" doesn't bring to mind the same picture of a well marked manuscript as does the assumption that all edits as made in red.

It's interesting what editing trends can say about your editors. What I find really fascinating is that two committee members with polar opposite personalities also consistently make contradicting editorial notes. While my advisor tends towards removing commas and adding modal verbs such as: may, could, can, and might another committee member takes the opposite approach, peppering pages with replacement commas and striking out verbs to strengthen statements. I could make illuminating statements about how this reflects each persons unique take on presenting research, but instead I find it interesting that I'm somewhere in between. I like my manuscripts to be thoroughly comma-ed and well doused with modal verbs that leave my concluding statements with a clear exit strategy. Does this reflex a certain amount of weakness, or wishy-washiness on my part? I guess in some cases it may be possible that it might, or perhaps it might not.......

So, now that I've Mastered science, what's next?

2009-12-03T10:17:00.000-08:00

Boy that's a question you never stop getting asked, is it? "What do you want to be when you grow up?" With grad school wrapping up I've been applying for, what feels like, every job that comes along that I even barely qualify for. And I'm starting to get called in for interviews. So, just pretending that I'm not going to jump on any decent job that gets offered to me without exception, just pretending that I'll have multiple options for employment.

How do you evaluate a job offer?

I mean there's the obvious issues; salary, benefits, opportunity for advancement, yadda yadda.

But how do you determine if you'll enjoy the work environment?

How do you determine if your future supervisor is the type of person that takes their frustrations out on employees?

How do you evaluate if the ethics of the organization is aligned with your personal values? (if you have some.)

And how do you compare the opportunity to work for a private company to a public organization?

And the most difficult of all; are you supposed to negotiate your starting salary and benefits?

In the past I've read that the main reason for the gap between men's and women's salaries in the professional world is that women start out jobs at lower pay because we don't like to negotiate. But how can I justify negotiating when I feel like I'm not starting from a strong position?

One thing I know for sure, science is much easier that all this life stuff. Being a grownup kinda sucks.

Why a PhD isn't for me

2009-12-01T08:54:00.000-08:00

Well, it's the eve of my masters thesis defense and for my last pre-masters blog post I've settled on a somewhat topical topic (can topics be topical? or is that ridiculously redundant). I've been asked a lot over the last few months about continuing school and getting a PhD. I've had a wide variety of inquires about this possible future (some inquires more coercive than others) from professors, classmates, family and friends and there is always a necessity to explain yourself. And the explanations seem to need to be better than "While that PhD assistantship in a remote corner of Idaho studying the viscosity of mud on a rainy day is hard to pass up, I value my sanity and would like to be able to afford to buy a new pair of socks in the next 10 years." So, aside from issues of money, connivence, and sanity I give you my top three reasons (well maybe not the TOP three, but three good ones anyway) why a PhD is not for me:

I want to live where I'll be happy, near home. I want to have mountains and ocean and sun and rain and snow and feel like I have the conveniences of civilization without living anywhere near a mega-city. Professors that are just starting out need to be free to move to the best job, not the best location, and PhD positions with private industry invariably put you in mega-cities.
I have no desire to be a book-keeper or accountant, especially one with no training. It's amazing that without financial training professors are expected to juggle budgets, manage grant money, and find ways to magically make money appear and disappear in different places so that labs can have a functioning staff and equipment.
I want to be happy. It's sad and hard to admit but I don't think many professors I know are very happy. I know a lot of it is connected to current budget crises and the added stress of pay cuts and a uncertain future for the University. I think they are frustrated and unhappy, and kind of stuck because of the massive investment they've made too their programs. It's a lot like the stress of being a small business owner without having much control over improving the situation.

So for now this is it, no Phd for me, just a lowly Masters of Science and a plan to be happy.

I think my dentist called me boss-eyed!?

2009-11-05T11:40:00.000-08:00

It's not even worth saying that you hate going to the dentist. It's just understood, right? Even if you're one of those lucky people who don't have to have their jaws dislocated and cranium rattled by drills at every visit (and by the way, bite me if you are one of those lucky people....) There is still the noise, the smell, the uncomfortable plastic chair, the lights that give you eye spots, that damn plastic thing they stick in you mouth for x-rays.... I digress. It is all-together an unpleasant interruption to your day. The strangest thing happened this morning during my dental exam, I swear my dentist called me boss-eyed! It was the damnedest thing, he's not even british. And I think someone would have mentioned it before now if I was....

A kind of final draft

2009-11-03T14:16:00.000-08:00

Drafts are never really final are they? You just stop editing them at some point. I've been exchanging drafts of thesis chapters with my professor and there's alway something new to add, a way of re-phrasing a sentence. It's not at all bothersome. In fact it's a relief to be more than two weeks from that day circled on my calendar, "Draft to Committee!" and be in a kind of final draft. I think that final drafts are really just a myth. At some point we'll say "that's enough, lets move on." we'll have the "sufficient draft". Then the committee will spend their two weeks with it. We'll all gather for the day of torture (or the defense if you like) and then my professor and I will spend another 2 weeks exchanging drafts that incorporate a selection of committee comments and edits until we again decide enough is enough and then we have the "sufficiently final draft" which will be printed, bound and cataloged in both the university and departmental libraries to take up 1 inch of shelf space, gather dust, and be universally forgotten.

Somedays it helps to work at not thinking that far ahead....

Pursuing inspiration

2009-10-09T16:08:00.000-07:00

Productivity has been lacking this week in the writing department. It's final draft time for my thesis and after getting a head of schedule last week progress came close to stand still this week. It didn't help that I spent the last two days many miles away from my computer. I stole the husbands day off and employed him as a "volunteer" field assistant at my research site one day, doing the needed fall (and final) maintenance around my study plots. Spend the next (and significantly longer) day at my professors field sites doing that end of season maintenance. I thought today would move me forward, but it seems to be a day of delay, followed by interruption, then a dash of distraction, and a lab-mates thesis defense to round out the afternoon. Not a bad day, but I haven't been able to retreat to that place in my head that makes slogging through another chapter of my thesis a desirable prospect. In pursuit of writing inspiration I cracked open my field notebook and found the passage I wrote so many months ago after long work days spend in only my own company. It's not too bad considering the funny mental state I always get in after that much exhaustion and isolation:

Machete Therapy - Mower broke after about an hour work, so I spent the next 5 or so swinging the machete. It reminds me of a hard up hill backpacking trip. After the first few minutes the pain and difficulty make you think the task is impossible. Then your body melts into the movement, and all is fluid and possible. There were uplifted moments when I thought the task seemed at hand and then....

It really is a vile plant, this weed of mine. Oh to live to see it's pestilent form wiped from the landscape. It makes me question all the truths I've learned in ecology. Surely there can be no balance with this plant, no divine purpose for its existence. There is no ecology I can imagine where its presence would be welcome. And yet I toil in its shadow like a slave to it's robust but chaste nature. A wasteful contradictory plant that makes slaves of man, strips utility from the soil, and defaces the landscape with it's domineering monoculture. What an evil, conniving plant, this weed of mine.

I suppose it's as close to a motivational speech as I'm gonna find this late on a friday afternoon.....

Cryptic clothing requirements

2009-07-31T12:35:00.000-07:00

I have a scientific mind. I glory in recognizing interesting ecological phenomenon. I revel in the physics observable in daily life. I unfailingly point out the difference between correlation and causation. I believe in randomization and embrace entropy in all experiences. But I am utterly ignorant about being fashionable. For me the most difficult part of preparing for a presentation, conference, or business meeting is packing clothing.

It is so much simpler to choose clothes for field work. It's all about the utility of the clothes not how the clothes represent you. Dressing to prevent sweating during high physical activity in freezing weather, no problem. Need to dress to prevent heat strain and protect against insect bites while collecting data in a swamp, I know how to dress for that success! But what the bloody hell does "business casual attire" mean? or "dressy casual"? There should be an illustrated guide book for graduate students clothing that I can take with me to the store to help me choose clothes. I can never tell if the outfit I'm trying on is trendy and cute or absolutely ghastly. I think most fashion trends must teeter on the edge of ghastly. What I need is a store without fashion trends. Just very basic shapes and colors that an apparel guide book could catalog and direct the dumbfounded grad student through. And oh, don't get me started on picking out a hair cut....

This is what's wrong with America

2009-06-25T10:27:00.000-07:00

"Twitterature"

Let me say it again, just so we're all clear:

This is exactly what is wrong with this damn country - Twitterature!

The twits at Penguin publishing have commission two 19 year old twits to whittle some of the greatest book even written into 20 "tweets" so the inept twits of our society have no reason to learn about literary structure and imagery.

I hate cliff notes.

I loath abridged stories.

There isn't even a word for how awful I think this is.

It's more than just giving student a easy way to get a C-grade in english classes. Giving people these short cuts starves their mind of the amazing experience of reading these incredible works of fiction. It's no wonder they have to focus on books with dead authors, no self respecting author would allow two teenaged twits to condense the essence of their writing into 20 "tweets"!!

I may never purchase a book published by Penguin again. Whoever is responsible for this decision clearly has no respect for literature or education.

We should all be screaming right now.

Treatment effects

2009-06-24T11:34:00.000-07:00

So how's the food experiment going? Quite well actually. Like most experiments, it began by building momentum like a snowball rolling downhill until it seemed unmanageable, and then suddenly it all seemed ordinary and easy. Maybe eating well has been made simple by the spring harvests starting, or the local farmers market, or because of our CSA basket, or maybe anything would seem normal after enough weeks. But we are closing out the third month of eating a whole foods diet and it doesn't feel like experiment anymore. In fact diet is all together the wrong word for it because there is such a temporary sense to the word diet. It's just the way we eat, and I can't see that changing much.

What is really funny as time goes on you rinse through all the rocks in your head that clattered together to form these ideas is what floats to the surface of the water and what sinks. I guess by that I mean what things have turned into the really important issues for me, and what things I've decided are not important. Food convictions you could call them. Things like: do not eat corn syrup in any form. This doesn't take ice cream or even soda pop of the shopping list, but just forces you to ready the ingredient lists and chose the brands made "naturally".

Another unexpected conviction is eating things in season, and waiting for that season to come. I think it just tastes better when you eat this way. Gives you something to look forward to, and removes the american idea that we can eat any food any time we like. While out shopping the husband occasionally mentions fajitas, and 'oh how good they would taste'. And I have to say, 'think how much better they'll taste if we wait for our peppers to ripen' instead of buying the ones shipped to us from some southernly location. As with most experiments, I'm convinced that I'm right and he's not ready to concede the point.

Something interesting I also discovered is that while making my own bread regularly is an easy routine, tortilla and pasta making is more of an event and paying a little more for the fresh "natural" versions of these at the food coop is worth the time (and mess) I save myself.

So to the meat of the matter, have we been successful in our experiment thus far? All around I'd have too say yes, though neither of us are by any means perfect. But this isn't a conversion to some orthodox religion, just a return to the roots of how we were meant to eat food. What are some of the positive results so far?

The first and, arguably, most important is that neither of us have turned into those irritating people you meet a the super market or farmers market that discuss food choice in a holier-than-thou tone. In fact very few people outside of our families have any idea just how drastically our eating habits have changed.

The second big result for me in the loss of 17 lbs while still eating wonderful desserts and never cutting the fatty bits of my meat.

The third, and most surprising to me, is the change in the speed of my eating. Even when I'm at my desk half-way-working through the meal, I eat so much more slowly. Chewing bites longer and resting in between. I never made a point of it, just realized one day I was doing it. And funnily enough I watched the husband, and he's doing it too. I think maybe the food just tastes so good we eat more slowly to make the flavors last longer, without even realizing it.

Somethings I expected to see changes and haven't were in some little skin and allergy issue we each have. It's common to hear how connected these issues are to diet, so I expected to see some changes, and haven't. Perhaps it's still too soon.

Some of the best surprises to me have been the memories from childhood this has brought to the surface. Smells and tastes and sounds. The entirely green flavor of fresh peas eaten in the garden, smell of hot baked bread and pie, sounds of clanking canning jars, burst or sweetness biting to fresh picked strawberry. Thing I heard, tasted, and smelled many times since childhood, but the memories of them have been repeatedly triggered by some unknown cause this spring.

Maybe it's this feeling that neither of us seem to be able to shake. That what we're doing, how we're changing is really important. Don't know why, there is no reason to need to know how to make food by starting with a few simple ingredients, or with seeds, in this world we've made. Perhaps I should feel foolish when I see bags of pre-sliced bread, chicken breasts wrapped in styrofoam and cellophane, and pre-washed bags of salad greens. But instead of feeling like the world's having a joke on me, I feel how important it is to know how long it takes a loaf of wheat bread to rise on a cool morning compared to a hot summer afternoon, the proper way to butcher and de-bone a chicken, and what the right soil temperature is for starting lettuce seeds. Important too whom? just me I guess, but still important....

Failing to repeat failure

2009-05-13T08:40:00.000-07:00

Does failing to repeat a failure result in success? Nope, it's just failing twice. I've been frustrated for the past few weeks since determining that the most exciting part of my field experiment had failed. I know the adage that negative results are still results and should still be published, blah, blah, blah. So I planned a field day to set up a duplicate experiment under the same field conditions, essentially repeating my failure so I'd have enough negative results to publish. And what do you know, I failed again! Monday I was shocked to discover that the plants at my experimental site had put on two months of growth in two weeks. The end effect of this mammoth growth is that the field conditions in no way matches the conditions of last springs experiment, so it's not at all possible to repeat my failed experiment.

I had to scramble to deal with these unpredicted conditions, and have decided to throw logic and methodology into the wind and start a new and different experiment, which I also wont be able to repeat based on my program schedule. So, the end result will be multiple unrepeated field experiments with uninteresting and negative results. Yeah for science!

Eating well - budgeting and time

2009-04-14T15:43:00.000-07:00

I know every graduate students main concern with cooking "from scratch" and generally eating well must be the time it takes, followed by the cost. I thought it would take me too much time to prepare meals if I removed all processed foods from the grocery list, but to my surprise even when cooking more elaborate meals from scratch on the weekend it rarely takes me more than an hour from start of cooking, to meals eaten and dishes washed. Many days it's a lot less time because I incorporate left over side dishes (or main dishes) into the meal, which shortens prep time. And there are always lots of leftovers for tomorrows lunch box, eliminating all top ramen consumption.

Three investments that save lot of time and money, if you can afford them:

1. Crock pot.

How to use: add meat or veggies or beans, add seasonings and water, turn on and ignore for hours. Beans are the ultimate graduate student food. I know that amanda has mentioned it over at A Lady Scientist but it can always be said again. Beans are an excellent food source and can be purchased very cheaply from a number of places including in bulk at many grocery stores. You can't beat the crock pot for good bean soup (don't forget the split peas if you like that creamy stew texture.) Beyond the beans, start buying meat whole when possible (ie buy the whole chicken, not chicken breast one night and drumsticks 3 nights later) and toss all the bones and leftovers bits in the crock pot with a wedge of onion and few bay leaves and a few hours later you've go the start of a really great soup. A post doc in my lab told me you can also use your crock pot to make to-die-for hot breakfast cereal (start it before you go to bed, eat in morning). I tried this last week and it rocks!

2. Bread Maker.

How to use: Toss in all ingredients (maker usually has it's own specific order for adding these) hit the start button and ignore until the smell of fresh baked bread becomes distracting. A lot of people would argue that bread is so cheap that this is pointless. I disagree. I grew up strong and healthy on homemade bread and you really can't beat whole grain bread with no preservatives for taste and healthiness. Humans have survived on bread longer than any of us can remember, and it wasn't until modern food industry pumped it full of preservatives and removed all the healthy benefits of whole grain that we started thinking bread was bad for you. I just got a new bread maker to replace the used one I wore out (after 9 years!) and haven't calculated the cost of any of the new recipes I've been trying, but I did once calculate the cost for a rye loaf I used to make all the time. It cost $0.40 to make a large loaf of rye bread, 40 cents! and took me 2-3 mins to set up and toss the ingredients in. I don't know of any place you can buy good rye bread that cheap!

3.Freezer.

How to use: Keep as full as possible for energy savings. Avoid cheap to free ancient models advertised in the paper because your electric bills will sky rocket! We have a small chest freezer (5.3 cu ft.) and we keep it full year round. This is especially good for meat-eaters, and enables you to buy large quantities of meat from local farmers when it's in season, then enjoy for months to come. If you don't have any farmer friends you can buy from, go to the local farmers market and meet them. I can tell you that the meat you can buy at the local grocery is not the same in taste or healthiness. I would categorize a lot of meat for sale at our local chain grocery as processed food, which doesn't fit the food culture I'm adopting. But if you're of the vegetarian persuasion, fill it with the over abundance of summer harvest. Cooked squash can be scooped into a ziplock freezer bag and frozen flat, same goes for fresh summer salsa, steamed spinach, and a number of other items. And if you like to forage (like me) try the same trick with steamed nettles or field greens, acorns can also be frozen whole for later processing.

Thesis writing, what's your method?

2009-04-13T16:00:00.000-07:00

I've asked a few people lately about the status of their thesis or if they've already received their degree how the attacked writing their masters thesis. I've gotten wildly different answers that seem to have no correlation to the achievements or prowess of the student. I'm wondering is the writing method (by this I mean when you begin, how often you ask for editing, what the timing of reading lit and writing related chapters was, and so on) typically dictated by a persons professor or by personal motivation? And does the writing method reflect a persons dedication or work ethic?

It may seem trivial to some, but I don't think it is. Even though few grad students would admit it we are in constant pursuit of approval from our professors and academic mentors, and writing (quality and quantity) is the one standard that all academics are judged by. Is it much of a stretch to assume that graduate students are also judged by their writing method in addition to the quality of the end product?

I had to laugh when a post-doc who is widely recognized as exceptional told me they wrote their entire masters thesis in the last three months of their program. Many other people I talk to seem to approach it by reading for 6-10 months, a period of time that overlaps with the beginning of the research project, and then beginning writing after they feel comfortable in their level of knowledge. This seems logical. It's not the method I've used (more on that later) but very logical and less time consuming in the long run.

Some people might say there is no wrong way to approach writing a thesis, by I don't agree. Others might suggest that it depends on the writer and what method is best for their work habits and individual program. This seems plausible, but I think there is another factor being ignored, and that is the writing method of our advisor. I think this has the greatest effect on how we approach the writing of our thesis. And it's funny that our advisors to some degree control our writing method and also judge us on that method. I can see how for some people this could create conflict and stress, and that should be recognised by the student and advisor so that a compromise on writing method can be reached.

The writing method that I've been guided to use has actually suited me very well. I think it may be a bit unusual, but I began writing my thesis the very first day of grad school. I've been in a constant state of revision since then, and I have to say it feels really good to have so much written, even though most of it will need to be re-written before I am done. That is definitely the biggest draw-back of this method, writing takes a lot longer, because you are constant re-writing after you've modified methodology or refined your understanding.

But from all my discussions and thinking about thesis writing I have come up with five basic rules for writing a masters thesis (I'm not really qualified to comment on writing a dissertation)

Read first. Start reading your first day and never stop.
Go by the guidelines. Get the graduate school guidelines for thesis format your first week (and read them thoroughly)
Write early. Begin writing your thesis before the end of the 3rd month (even if it's just outlining research questions and methods)
Make deadlines. After you've gotten into the writing groove (say 4-5 months into your degree) start making yourself deadlines for chapter drafts (and hold yourself to them even if it means putting in extra hours or putting off other work).
Edit often. Have your drafts edited by your professor as often as you can. This may be the most difficult of all due to the busy schedule of all professors. A professor should never take on so many students or extra responsibilities that they can't assist each student in thesis draft editing. Sometimes a thorough edit (by someone other than the author) is the only thing that can move a draft forward. Make it worth their time by working hard on your draft and workout the deadlines with them a head of time so that you aren't giving them a draft when they are to stressed to give it proper attention.

Can a graduate student have a healthy diet?

2009-04-07T08:51:00.000-07:00

We have a little science experiment going on at my house right now. It’s a simple enough experiment, the question of interest is: can a graduate student have a healthy (and satisfying) diet? (or alternatively - Can I kick the top ramen habit cold turkey?)

A few definitions:

"Healthy diet" - for the purpose of this experiment a healthy diet will consist of whole food products prepared mostly at home (so I can be assured of the ingredients) most of the diet consisting of plants and limiting meat consumption to a side dish status.

"Satisfying" - for the purpose of this experiment I will rate how satisfying this diet is by how easy it is to ignore the grilled cheeseburger smell emanating from the fast food joint I ride past each day.

I never thought it was possible for someone like me (limited budget and over booked schedule) to change my western ways and reject the convenience culture. I do little things, like shop at the local natural foods store and the farmers market, and I've been raising my own garden since I was 19 years old, but I've never before actively tried to alter my way of eating.

Attempting to do so while I'm a graduate student seemed like a very dumb idea at first. Economics being what they are this really started as an endeavor to save money, and one of the best ways I've found to do this is buy whole foods and cook from scratch. Funny enough this is way healthier that eating top ramen everyday, and fits nicely with goals of producing (or foraging for) your own food or buying it locally. Doing this eliminates processed foods and "food-like-products" from your diet and saves a ton of money in the long run.

This is week two of the experiment, and surprisingly it hasn’t been hard to stick to. I haven’t had to commit any extra time to cooking or eating, just a little forethought. I’m much more satisfied after eating, and I haven’t been craving processed foods. The ease of this type of eating has been a real delight, and actually makes me think that changing my food culture (because that is what I feel I'm doing with this experiment) may be possible.

As an after thought…….

A few good food related things I’ve been reading lately

Animal Vegetable Miracle – Barbara Kingsolver (book)

(I'm sort of always reading this, when I finish, I just start it again. Yes, it's that good.)

Tomorrows Table - Pamela C. Ronald and R. W. Adamchak (book)

(An unusual book, but well written, scientific and short. Worth getting from the library.)

In Defense of Food – Michael Pollan (book)

(Michael Pollan is always good, not so scientific in this one. But more logical than any diet, nutrition, or lifestyle book I've ever browsed. And a good motivator if that's what you need.)

Evolution, consequences and future of plant and animal domestication - Jared Diamond (Nature article, August 2002)

(A short and fascinating article by the widely read Jared Diamond. This was assigned reading for a biotech class, and I throughly enjoyed it. I thought it complimented my other current books well, especially "In Defense of Food".)

Dirty little secret

2009-02-20T13:53:00.000-08:00

Lately I've felt really positive about doing statistical analyses. Not just on my own data, though that is a lot more fun than class work, but I'm enjoying the class work too. Lecture is interesting, and I like discussing various methods for analysis with classmates and my professor. I'm not sure what king of turning point this is, but it must be significant when something you once loathed and avoided becomes enjoyable. I'm curious if something in me has changed, or if I've finally progressed far enough in the science for it to be more interesting. I'm hoping it's the latter, because I'm not sure I'd embrace a personal change that resulted in finding joy in statistics. I mean it's good to find happiness anywhere you can in life, but stats? There is something a little unnatural about it.

Paranoia

2009-02-19T14:22:00.000-08:00

I think that the peanuts and the departments vending machine are meeting weekly to plot my demise. (Maybe it's not as likely as ninja monkey's, but everybody knows peanuts are wicked evil). I've generally ignored the peanut recall because I don't have cupboards full of peanut products at home and I assume that anything on the shelf at the grocery store is safe, but vending machines? can we really trust them? It wouldn't have been a problem except for that fact that our departments vending machine is old and poorly maintained so most of the letters and numbers identifying the row your snack-product-of-choice occupies have fallen off. It's embarrassing to admit how often I eat from the machine, let alone how many times I counted rows incorrectly and ended up with stale granola instead of m&m's or Nutter Butters instead of grandmas cookies. Luckily a quick internet search left me with the reassuring knowledge that the cookies shouldn't kill me (this time). I always knew the peanuts had it out for us, but now they've recruited the vending machines. The world really is a cruel place when I have to google my snack food for safety before eating it.

Spiritual epiphany

2009-02-18T11:28:00.000-08:00

This amazing bolt of insight hit me the other night that I felt like sharing. I wasn't doing anything special. It was late, I was done working for the night, so I was knitting on a hat and ignoring an old episode of "House" on my laptop. I was a little spaced out (which is normal when I knit) and my mind wasn't even on spiritual matters, and then out of left field it struck me:

Everyone in the world is equally wrong about god, the after life, and everything else that we try to explain in spiritual terms.

It sounds dumb, but I actually find it reassuring. To me this means that it's okay not to agree with how anyone has laid out religion or atheism because they are all wrong. In fact I don't think that we are biologically capable of coming up with the right answer to any of life's big questions. That doesn't mean we can't try, but it sure takes the stress out of coming up with the right answer. Like most academics knowledge is of paramount importance to me, so it's weird to be comforted by the realization that in this life I'll never be capable of answering a question correctly.

The Jack of all trades......

2009-02-06T13:02:00.000-08:00

Is the master of none.

It's a problem I've faced for a long time. Having eclectic interests hinders your ability to become an expert in one thing. I've been dwelling on this a lot lately. I like taking a wide range of classes, looking at my project from every point of view, learning as much about other peoples work as I can. But I overheard a comment from an office-mate the other day and it's been niggling at me ever since. The comment could be summarized as: grad students shouldn't take many classes, but should instead stay focused on their own project only taking courses that directly relate to our work. I guess I can see their point but I've always thought of grad school as my opportunity to increase my knowledge about everything, not just to get my own project done.

During a class yesterday the professor said: "the jack of all trades is the master of none." Now they were referring to the evolution of host specificity in herbivorous insects, not my future as a scientist, but I was still struck by the statement. It's funny how passing comment like that can stick with you. Along the same lines, a soils professor I took a class from once said that everyone is an expert on something. I've never been able to land on anything I'm an expert on. I know quite a lot about many things, I know just a little about a lot more things, and I know very little about most of the rest. But I am an expert on nothing.

So what is the point of education? Becoming an expert in your area? or Learning about everything you can? Or is there some other reason for all this knowledge that hasn't occurred to me?

A good sign

2008-12-18T18:59:00.000-08:00

President Obama has chosen Oregon State Professor Jane Lubchenco to head NOAA. She is a brilliant scientist and in my opinion her appointment is another great indication that not only did the country make the right choice this fall and that logic and science will have a place in this government, but also a sign that this country will change and better days will come. And yes, I am totally biased because she is from my alma mater, and I have admired her since undergraduate school. For the inadequately written story from our local paper click here. For a slightly more informative article from the washington post try here. Go Jane!

Making plans

2008-12-15T18:36:00.000-08:00

I've always been one for planning the future. Today I started thinking back to some of those plans and I realized that things have rarely ever turned out the way that I had intended. Life seems to take its own direction without regard to my plans, and usually I think it turns out just as good or better that way. I've always just sort of fallen into the next great stage of life. Marriage, college, career, graduate school. I'm not implying I wasn't involved or that these things just happened to me. Point of fact I worked my tush off for each one of them. But each turned out entirely different than my plans had been, and each seemed to just fall into place in the beginning.

What seems cruelly ironic about this is I think that unknowingly I've been depending on the next great stage of life to line itself up after graduate school. At conferences, in discussion with old friends and peers, reading the news, I feel like I'm always on the watch for what will be next for me. Some clue of what the future holds. Now, unlike in the past, I have no plan for what will come next. I have no solid answer for my plans after grad school, though I usually make something up about getting a job. (A plan that seems less and less likely every time I read the news.)

I have to wonder, was there a point to planning? Will life just go the right way if I work hard and keep myself open to new directions? Or was having the plan an important part of being redirected to where I am now?

Two long months

2008-11-26T11:49:00.000-08:00

It has been a while since I even thought about blogs. I haven't read any of the usual suspects or taken the time to update my own. No surprise, I've been unnaturally busy with school and research. Sometimes I wonder why I bother with this silliness, and then I think about my own search for blogs about graduate school and life in science. The search for commonality, understanding, explanations, and the deep need to speak without consequence or justification.

I guess I can sum up my two months of absence very simply: Life, sometimes it's unbelievingly awesome and other times it sucks so hard you can't take it. The more joy you can find in the good days, the easier it is to get through the bad.

Sometimes I wish I could grow facial hair.

2008-10-03T09:59:00.000-07:00

I could feel its imminent arrival at the beginning of the week. A zit of such volcanic proportions villagers would quiver in its shadow. Normally such circumstances would not more than trouble me, but this particular week appearances are rather more important than usual. The first week of my graduate teaching assignment. I spent three hours speaking in front of a group of students with a diorama of Vesuvius on my face. No the most auspicious way to began my career as a TA.

Escape to the Wild Rumpus

2008-09-12T11:20:00.000-07:00

At the end of each summer the husband and I escape reality for one weekend. We and hundreds of other unusual individuals don historical costumes, speak in strange (and sometimes very BAD) accents, and spend the weekend in the past. Historical and fantasy faires are common throughout the western world and I've delighted in attending them since I was very young. Now the real delight for me comes from taking on the persona of a person from the past. You see it's more that just a great weekend get away, we perform for the public and as such are forced into holding character and presenting yourself as an entirely different person. Slipping into my costume is like slipping into another persons skin. I'm instantly changed in every important way. How I speak, move, interact, and think is all at once altered. Though the rules of conduct are more restrictive it is also freeing to be this other person for a weekend. I can forget about computers, science, and higher learning and just exist in a simple way for a short while.

Anon!

LHC - We're not dead yet!

2008-09-10T06:44:00.000-07:00

Well, so far the LHC hasn't killed us all in our sleep (as far as I can tell). The story is probably being told everywhere but I first heard the good news on NPR this morning. Of course there isn't much to tell yet, just a lot of excited scientist who are basically saying: "we told you we wouldn't destroy everyone." But here's a link to a NPR article on it, good stuff but I find it disturbing to think of a lab full of physicists having a pajama party.....

In case you're worried about the earths imminent destruction you can navigate to this webpage

where they bravely answer the question: has the lhc destroyed the earth?

Stinky lab hands

2008-09-09T17:06:00.000-07:00

I'm taking a 2 week molecular biology lab intensive course that keeps me in laxtex gloves for about 6-7 hours a day. It's only the second day of classes and my hands have a fowl laxtex smell that I just can't get rid of. Soaps, lotions, detergents, sanitizers, nothing will kill this smell. I don't know how people working in labs everyday can stand it! It reminds me of the dentist and make me feel ill. Bleh.

The harvest weekend

2008-09-02T14:03:00.000-07:00

Labor day weekend proved to be a mellow and productive holiday weekend.

Saturday

Utilizing our newly procured B.O.B. trailer we successfully foraged at the local farmers market for fresh veg-edibles and a few new garden plants. We felt incredibly smug pedaling home with our market fare rolling along in such a stylish way. Car-free appears to be the height of green-urban-society-life-choice right now and we got lots of questions and compliments (imagine if I'd been riding and S.U.B). On the ride home we stopped to forage a basket-full of apples from the feral trees along the bike path.

The new bike trailer loaded down with market purchases: basket of veggies, blueberry bush, honey fig tree

Spoils of a successful market forage: asian eggplant, casper eggplant, oyster mushrooms, heirloom tomatoes, purple peppers, red onion, and blue potatoes. All locally grown and purchased from the producer (smug, smug, smuggity, smug.)

Apples and pears from feral trees, possibly the beginnings of a future fermentation experiment.

Sunday

The bees had finally lost interest in my lavender bushes so it was time to harvest. It was very productive year. Later we discovered a cooler fits nicely on the new trailer and is very handy for grocery shopping expeditions. We also attempted our first mead making experiment Sunday evening with a large jar of meadowfoam honey. I'll try to share fermentation pictures in a later post.

Enough English lavender to set four large bundles to dry.

The bob trailer is just the right size for hauling a cooler. I can think of so many wonderful reasons you'd want to bring a cooler with you...

Monday

Major trimming of the spice garden. Saved enough mint to dry one large bundle and composted the rest, also saved smallish bundles of thyme, marjoram and oregano (I prefer them fresh, but a little dried can't hurt). Another exciting bicycle expedition, this time to the recycling plant and picking blackberries for another fermentation experiment (more on that to come).

Mint from my garden. Great for teas, baths, mojitos, tzatziki sauce, but also my biggest weed. Transplanted from a 4 inch pot and now covers most of my spice garden.

We got some strange looks from other folks dropping off recycling (all driving cars and leaving them idling while disposing of recyclables) but that's half the fun of using your bike for these round-the-town errands.

Priceless

2008-09-01T07:26:00.000-07:00

Three days in a row, waking without an alarm clock.

the husband

2008-08-31T09:27:00.000-07:00

This seems very familiar....

courtesy of lolcats

My thoughts on Bird Porn

2008-08-29T10:00:00.000-07:00

Among the protests at the DNC there was an interesting group that caught the attention of such crack reporters as Dave Barry and James Lileks.

The group was advocating banning bird watching because of its negative effect on bird populations. The basics of their argument (which is in no way based on scientific fact) is that birds are aware they are being watched so they are not breeding and populations have thus declined, and also that bird watchers are voyeuristic pervs.

Just the sort of pervy thing bird watchers like

I feel that I can speak profoundly on this issue because I received my bachelors degree in salamander pornography. Well, technically the degree says zoology but my research project consisted of making salamander porn videos and observing courtship in person. The courtship behavior is biologically important for understanding the relatedness of different species, but that's another story all together. Basically, I would spend many hours a day reviewing video tape and noting interesting behavior, it was all very scientific and a little boring.

"Bitch stop staring at me!"

Now back to the issue of bird porn. I would first like to point out that like salamanders, birds lack external genitalia and because of this the sex part of mating lasts a few seconds and does not resemble mammalian sex in many ways (unless you are a very unlucky mammal, but that's a different issue all together.) So what we are really observing by in large is courtship or foreplay.

Frigate bird foreplay

Now that we've straightened that out I can get to the main problem I have with their argument. They are making one very important and very miss-guided assumption:

Birds are self conscious about sex

I don't believe that for a second! My argument against this assumption is also really not based on scientific fact but instead my own observations. Since I have in-fact studied animal behavior extensively in the past I feel comfortable with this basis.

I have seen my own pets act ashamed or guilty when they behave badly, but I have never seen such behavior in a wild animal. Even with the captive wild birds who have spent their whole adult lives working with humans are simply not ashamed or shy about their sexuality. And to get back to domestic animals, nearly every day I see my own pet birds masturbate quite shamelessly, ringing bells and whistling at themselves during and just after the act. When my dogs have made a mess or chewed on something they shouldn't have they feel guilty and it's quite obvious from their behavior. But they never feel that way about sexual gratification, even if we tell them to knock it off. They are quite content to ignore us and anyone else in their presence.

Are all the animals I've spent time with in my life merely exhibitionists? I certainly hope not because I think that may reflect on my own personality in some disparaging way. Regardless of that, I have a bit of advice for the wackaloons at stopbirdporn.org, you want to save the worlds declining bird populations? Put the time, money and effort you are wasting on your current cause into conserving and creating bird habitat.

Choke

2008-08-28T10:25:00.000-07:00

I just found out that the bizarre book Choke by Chuck Palahniuk has been turned in to a movie.

I'm not sure what to think of it. I never would have thought it a good idea, but it does star the always entertaining Sam Rockwell. Choke is one of those strange books that you feel kind of bad after reading. Like you've been abused, but you enjoyed it. The book was recommended by and borrowed from my strangest friend. One of those people that everyone knows is a little odd right after meeting them. Even knowing that I still didn't expect the book to be quite so strange. I guess I liked the book, and though it was unpleasant at times I couldn't put it down. I don't think the movie will be as popular as Fight Club, but I guess it will be worth seeing (at least worth watching a crappy internet version with chinese subtitles. Oh don't be shocked you do it too.)

With respect to LOLCats

2008-08-28T10:07:00.000-07:00

(Yes, I reads them.)

Macitude

I haz it.

A Douglas Adams kind of day

2008-08-27T16:12:00.000-07:00

I'm currently (or should I say finally) reading "Salmon of Doubt" by beloved Douglas Adams.

I usually avoid books published posthumous, I'm always afraid the author had good reason for not publishing the work. I'm glad I made an exception because it's a really lovely book and there was one line in particular that struck me. It's in the passage of Turncoat when he's describing Monty Python era humor, or the way that humor used to be before all us jug-heads mucked it up with inaneness.

"Comedy was a medium in which extremely intelligent people could express things that simply couldn't be expressed any other way."

Simple, true, perceptive and leaves you with a smile. Perfectly Douglas Adams.

Sometimes science hurts

2008-08-25T09:31:00.000-07:00

A weekend of field work has left me sore and exhausted and my trusted field assistant (the husband) in bed dreadfully ill. Nothing ever seems to go as planned when I'm in the field. There is always something I'm unable to do that I have to report back on to the professor come Monday morning. This time events were totally out of my control, which actually made me feel a bit better. The tasks may be unfinished, but not because of some personal failing on my part.

This weekends mission had been to do the regular site maintenance (mowing down the alleys between the plots) and to cut into the weed jungle to install two new experiments (28 plots). We utilized a dull machete and gas powered brush mower to cut paths in the jungle (my hands are soar enough today to make typing a great challenge). It was exhausting but exhilarating and the field assistant and I collapsed into the tent that night confident we'd have the job finished by noon the next day.

And then the vomiting started.

Camping is usually great fun, even work related camping, until you are ill. And then there is no place you want to be besides at home in your bed. I'm quite certain it is the same for all people around the world, when you are sick you want to be at home, in your own bed, period. I've had this experience before, the research group I worked with as an undergrad camped during the field season. A delightful experience until I got the flu, and suddenly even the most luxurious camping was a misery.

So, sunday morning I packed up camp and drove the field assistant home to his own bed and the comfort that it could provide. Unfortunately the 3 and 1/2 hour car ride was lengthened to nearly 5 hours because of the need to stop repeatedly (and the need to wash vomit of the side of the truck).

Once the patient was tucked in and sleeping feverishly I was able to finished the job of unloading gear and returning the half washed pickup. It was incredibly draining to do all this on my own, but even as tired as I was I had resigned myself to a sleepless night. I thought with him feverish and sick I'd sleep lightly, ply him with medicines, try to help him feel better. All the proper caregiving duties that you feel obligated to do when your loved one is sick, but alas I did not. Instead I slept like a corpse, selfishly ignoring the rest of the world until the alarm called me to consciousness.

As a result of the deep sleep I feel quite refreshed for a monday morning, but also a bit guilty. Beyond the soreness of my hands and a slight stiffness in my back I fared quite well this weekend, but the poor husband/field assistant is going to need at least a week to recover.

Sunday Morning Philosophy

2008-08-17T07:31:00.000-07:00

There was a tremendous thunder storm last night, a rare occurrence in this area. It was a long and drawn out storm, punctuated with periods of silence during which you roll back to unconsciousness, only to be ripped from sleep by thunderclaps so earth shaking you're screaming in terror before you realize you're awake and alive.

In the sleep addled aftermath of a stormy night shared with a houseful of terrorized pets I've been thinking about thunder and other terrifying forces of nature. I've been trying to imagine more primitive humans without clear scientific understanding of such events. Imagining feeling terrorized by gods, or spirits, some powerful being raining down fire from the sky in a deafening roar of anger.

We modern humans are raised with a basic scientific understanding of lightning that can be very comforting. Where it is most likely to strike, how to calculate the distance of the storm, this knowledge makes us feel that we have some meager amount of control. But in that brief second after being pulled from sleep and before conscious awareness settles, no scientific explanation can come to mind, your are functioning with a primitive brain and all it can think of is terror.

Guest Kitteh

2008-08-16T08:56:00.000-07:00

We have another guest cat at our house this weekend. He's the son of a very fecund feral cat and has been adopted by my sister. He had a big day yesterday, first Vet visit. Good news is he tested negative for FIV and FELV, got his first round of shots, flea treatment, and got neutered. It was a very big day.

The vet has good drugs.

Which level of hell?

2008-08-15T10:04:00.000-07:00

We always have a few miserably hot days during august. Day's where the temperature exceeds 100 degrees fahrenheit. We as a community are ill adapted to such temperatures preferring the cooler wetter seasons, and so extreme heat warnings plaster the news and people clog every body of water and air-conditioned building in town. Imagine my displeasure upon hearing the news that the air-conditioning in our campus building is broken. The building in which even when in perfect order the air-conditioning only serves to cool a meager half the labs within. My office boils even on the cooler of summer afternoons, and the heat often interferes so severely with my brian function I have to find other places to do my work. Perhaps today I will set up a desk in the Greenhouse. That cooling unit is functioning perfectly well and keeping the greenhouse at least 10 degrees cooler than my office. Such a brilliant use of resources. At least my plants will be comfortable.

Other methods of relaxation

2008-08-05T12:03:00.000-07:00

Last Sunday the husband and I took a few hours to brew a batch of beer. Our first batch in much to long a time. A honey cream ale which we brewed outside on my canning stove. First time for the cream ale and the outdoor brewing. It was lovely. I was just downloading research pictures I took this morning in the greenhouse and was pleasantly surprised by the presence of pictures of our brew.

The boiling wort after the addition of Perle and Mt. Hood hops.

(It tasted very sweet and delightfully hopy.)

Sometimes I yell.

2008-08-04T21:13:00.000-07:00

I have various ways of releasing pent-up emotion and stress. Lately I've been yelling.

Not at people, or pets, other drivers, or really anything in particular. It's not really even a yell per-say. More of a guttural noise. An expulsion of air from the diaphragm releasing a primal bellow.

Some people like to cry to release pent-up emotion, especially when it is frustration. I find exercise or excessive house cleaning is good for frustration. (By the state of my home anyone could guess that I haven't been using the latter for releasing frustration). I know that crying does release some good chemicals into the brain, you can feel it when it happens. A release and a slight cooling sensation. I find the yelling (or grunting, as it may be more appropriately described) to have similar effect and much easier to call forth.

Tonight I topped off a healthy bout of yelling, with a long session of hand watering in the garden. Not really necessary due to the soaker hoses we've installed, but pleasant and appropriately cathartic none the less.

Science can be a bit mad sometmes.......

2008-08-04T12:39:00.000-07:00

I've recently been pondering just how odd the science that I do can be sometimes. I spend many months raising small seedlings, nurturing them to maturity. Regular watering, fertilizing, transplanting as they grow. And then once large enough, I devise new and creative ways to dispatch them to plant heaven (or in these plants case, perhaps plant hell). It's a funny thing to study the unwanted. Those species that are not just undesirable but the loathsome bane of our collective existence. I suppose that's a bit dramatic of a description, but I've always found it useful to have a subtle hatred for these plants. Makes life easier and helps to stave off the stockholm syndrome or at least stave off the apathy that I feel at constant risk of.

Escaping the routine

2008-07-24T06:45:00.000-07:00

Leaving for 4 days of Backpacking this morning. I've been looking forward to this mini-break from my routine for weeks. The simplicity of your day when you are on the trail is delightful. Eating, walking, reading, sleeping. These are the events of your day and the only decision is how to order the activities.

You know that you are ready for a break when the monotony of normal life leaks in to your subconscious. I have lately been unable to create the little mental stories that serve to distract when faced with the most boring of tasks. My dreams are also victims of the routine. They have become diluted versions of their former selves.

My last dream this morning (that dream you remember and take with you, the dream that sets the tone for your day) was about visiting the doctor. Well, I should say visiting the waiting room because in the dream I never saw the doctor. I checked in with reception, sat in the waiting room and then watched as all the other patients were called, and then I woke up. I'm really glad I know nothing of dream interpretation because I'm sure that this dream would say nothing interesting about me.

Escape the waste?

2008-07-23T08:52:00.000-07:00

When shopping I try to consider the packaging waste from the products I buy. For the things I purchase regularly I tend to buy in bulk and reuse my own bags and containers. The last few day's I've been biking around town picking up stuff we need for our annual backpacking trip. Nothing big, mostly food and replacement items for the first aid kit. We packed our bags up last night and I was shocked by the amount of waste we had produced from such a small number of things. I had always thought of backpacking as a "green" vacation. Spending a week fueling ourselves instead of our cars, living simply finding joy in the quite. Not necessarily a zero impact vacation, but much better that spending it running an ATV around the dunes or camping in an luxury RV complete with air-conditioning and satellite television. But this waste concerns me, I'm going to have to think through what products we choose before the next trip.

Religion and more thoughts from childhood

2008-07-22T13:49:00.000-07:00

I was reading through some posts at Panthera studentessa and I was intrigued by this post about her childhood experiences with a Pentacostal step family. The rules of the religion clearly made no sense to her and I was reminded of a girl from the neighborhood I knew when I was young.

We were riding home together on the bus and I invited her to my birthday party. She told me that she didn't go to parties. When I asked why she said that she was a Jehovah's witness and then she told me a story about a man having his head served up at on a platter at the request of some crazy woman. I can't remember if the dead guy was attending a party or if the crazy lady with the decapitation fetish was hosting a party, or exactly how the details came together. But I do remember her conclusion: so we don't go to parties because our heads will end up on a platter.

Having attended many birthday parties myself and never having been decapitated or otherwise disfigured I really thought this girl was crazy. We were kids and birthday parties were awesome. I'm sure the belief system that forces the Jehovah's witnesses to stay home when everyone else is out having a good time is more complex than she had made it out to be, but in her young mind it was quite straight forward: attending party+having good time=head on platter. Now that was the finest bit of brain washing I'd ever heard.

God stole my car keys

2008-07-22T06:08:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, in a ridiculous moment of fuzzy-headedness brought on by to much heat and exertion and not enough food and water I "miss-placed" my car keys (they were never really lost, grrrrrr.) I naturally began to panic when all my searching could not locate them, it did not help that I was at my field research site with no cell phone reception, and a 3.5 hour drive (plus a long embarrassing explanation to my colleagues) away from another set of keys.

In a fit of near-tears-panic I found myself saying a little prayer in my head to locate the keys. Even in my fuzzy headed state I thought what an odd thing to do. Who exactly was I asking for help? Did I think the Flying Spaghetti Monster had reached down from the sky and plucked the keys from my pocket? Holding them hostage until I showed his meatballs the appropriate reverence? Of course not, but in the absence of any corporeal help it was, apparently, my first instinct to ask for assistance from some non-corporeal being.

The logical part of my brain finally screamed at me loud enough to be heard over all the static, “retrace your steps, go through everything, they must be here! start with the most likely places…..” and quite quickly I literally ran right in to them (the keys having been laying right out in the open for nearly a hour while I frantically search all around them.) And after I located the not-really-lost keys what was my immediate instinct? To once again thank some non-corporal being.

What did the Flying Spaghetti Monster, Shiva the destroyer, or Ra the sun god have to do with my not-really-lost keys? Diddley. But in my fuzzy headed state the need to rely on someone or something else was so strong I couldn’t contain it. The impulse has to be more than simply the effect of our culture, for culture only names the non-corporeal being. The impulse to give up control, to put a situation in someone else’s hands when feeling helpless, must be much deeper than that.

Dr. Horrible: not just for crazy Joss Whedon Fans

2008-07-18T11:26:00.000-07:00

A musical comedy created by Joss Whedon and staring Neil Patrick Harris, Nathan Fillion, and some readheaded chick. Awesome, right? Still not convinced? Remember this under appreciated piece of awesomeness:

or this delightful musical:

Both of Josses creation.

The third act isn't up yet, but better not wait to long to start watching because according to the master plan after Sunday (the 20th) you'll have to pay to watch.

And NO, I'm not even remotely a crazy Whedon fan, I just have good taste.

Scientists, Atheists, and thoughts from childhood

2008-07-17T15:06:00.000-07:00

After returning to school last fall I started reading a lot of science blogs. The first, and probably still my all around favorite, was Living the Scientific Life. I was drawn to a lot of other blogs about life as a scientist (especially blogs by women scientists), as well as blogs that discussed life science and evolution (which I tend think of as one and the same). Without really intending to I also ended up reading many post about atheism (it sounds weird to call it an "ism" for some reason) and posts on the many problems with religion. After reading so many of these posts, you can't help but wonder about what you "believe". So this curiosity lead me listen to some old Dawkins lectures on the topics of religion and science, and watch some fantastic interview clips with David Attenborough discussing evolution and belief in the existence of god. Their ideas are always so eloquent, insightful, and logical but I can never completely reconcile them with my own way of seeing the world.

Today I read an intriguing post by GrrlScientist at the aforementioned Living the Scientific Life blog. She discusses being raised to be a religious person , how this conflicted with her inquisitive nature and how this conflict lead her to become an atheist. So that got me thinking about my childhood, and I wouldn't say everything clicked in to place but it has certainly helped me to make a little more sense of how I interpret the world and why.

If my parents had a particular belief system in mind when they raised me I'm still not aware of it. In fact if they raised me to be anything I would say it was to become a scientist. Most people would say that's not surprising considering I was raised by an anthropologist and a biologist, but there was more to it than their own knowledge and interest in the natural world. I think I was allowed to experience nature differently that many children are. If I was curious I was encouraged, if I had questions they were answered and no answer was ever dumbed down (even if this meant teaching a very young child the details of how animals reproduce).

One might expect such an upbringing to take away the mystery of life, but it did just the opposite. For some inexplicable reason all these answers just made the world seem more mysterious and amazing, I was sure I would find something unexplainable if I just looked long and hard enough. I never did, but I also never stopped looking. Now I no longer seek the unexplainable with a belief it will remain unexplained, but instead seek the answers to the yet to be explained questions.

What more is a scientist than a child who was never taught not to ask questions? or at least never stopped questioning, even when told to. And as a result of this childhood I am what exactly? certainly not religious, but not an atheist either. I have a feeling that Professor Dawkins would tell me that to understand evolution, biology, and the origins of life on this planet and not proclaim oneself to be an atheist means that I am not following the scientific reasoning to it's logical conclusion. Maybe that's true, perhaps there is a flaw in my primate brain that makes me perceive the natural world with too much awe causing me to believe there may be something beyond what I can see and know with the tools I have. Perhaps it is a side effect of always being encouraged to question what I see and experience. Maybe it's just the revolting nature of all the labels people assign themselves causing me to resist assimilation in to any belief or non-belief system.

It's strange to have enough scientific knowledge to explain most of the world I encounter, and yet be so incapable of explaining myself.

Thou shalt not forget thy ipod!

2008-07-15T16:46:00.000-07:00

During the summer we graduate students help with projects out at the research farm as often as possible. Our lab group has many research trials that are ready for harvesting and data recording, it's usually fun and gets us out of the office (which isn't air-conditioned anyway so why bother....)

One of the most tedious tasks is cleaning grass seed. After grass seed has been cut, laid in the field for a while, and the seed harvested with the combine it needs to be sent through the seed cleaner. This chest-freezer-sized machine separates the live seed from the stalks, hulls, and chaff that the combine also collects. Each experimental plot is individually bagged during combining and must be cleaned and weighed individually. This is a long, noisy, and tedious process that is made worse by the heat and dust particles released during cleaning.

Listening to music, podcasts, our audiobooks is one of the few things that make this task more bearable. I forgot my ipod today, and oh how I suffered. I thought I might be able to call upon my creative storytelling brain function to entertain me with fictional stories and random characters, but I completely failed. Apparently my "magical thinking" does not work upon request, or by force of will. Must, must, must remember ipod!

Making Green Easy

2008-07-15T06:40:00.000-07:00

Each day my husband and I work at changing our behavior to make our lives more "green." The biggest change for us has been riding our bikes everywhere. I've also taken the community link buses when I have to visit neighboring towns. The inconvenience of long waits is almost enough to make me want to drive, but lately I've found driving to be very unpleasant (perhaps it's the lack of airconditioning.) But when I do have to drive my car the destination is typically either my research site (275 mile round trip) or to visit the parents (200 mile round trip). For those trips I've had ideas on how to be a more green driver:

Keep it at or under 55 mph (much easier on the windy coast road to my research site than when I take I-5 to visit the parents) but driving 55 mph or slower saves gas, and using less gas to go the same distance is a basic green concept.
Drive with high tire pressure in the summer. We have icy and wet winters so if you visit the tire centers during the winter months chances are you're driving away with lowish tire pressure to aid in traction. But greater traction also means greater friction and less efficiency. Once the weather has improved get them pumped up an your gas mileage with improve.
Just say no to drive-thrus. Yes, it's un-american but we have completely given them up. It's easily the simplest green choice we've made, just park the car and walk into get our greasy fast food or mocha frappuccino. I have no idea just how much gas is typically wasted in drive-thrus, but it just makes sense to give them up.
Get a tune up! (I emphasize this because I have yet to check it off my "to-do" list). A well tuned car is a clean running more efficient car.

You can make being green as simple or complex as you wish. The green culture is growing and I've found that we don't need to commit to extreme changes that complicate our lifestyles or don't fit with our economic level in order to feel like we're making an impact.

Question?

2008-07-08T14:55:00.000-07:00

Is it wrong to have a .69 cent pot pie as an afternoon snack? And just what is "MECHANICALLY SEPARATED TURKEY"

I was eating so healthy too, I've gone a whole week with out eating any top ramen. I guess I was deficient in sodium tripolyphosphate.

Pharyngula - undeniably addictive

2008-07-07T20:43:00.000-07:00

I began reading Pharyngula many moons ago, and lets say it wasn't love at first read. I found many of his statements and opinions to be a bit extreme for my taste, but as time went on I found myself reading it more and more, not just for the shock of what he might say next, but for the scientific content. I guess I was also sold on the unwavering support given to keeping evolution in education and creationism out, an issue that I like so many other scientists take very personally. It's a strangely addictive blog, that you just can't stop reading once you've started. Even if you don't agree with everything PZ writes (which believe me I don't) you can't help but admire the guy for being consistent and keeping all arguments rooted in science. And of course there is always the friday cephalopod to look forward to.

Compassionate professor

2008-07-07T15:44:00.000-07:00

When I feel like I have failed somehow in my research, or haven't lived up to my own expectations of my work, I always expect to see disappointment equal to my own in my professors face. Time and again this isn't the case. Instead I'm given support and encouragement to try again, even empathy for the difficulty I'm having with my research. It's astounding that I've been fortunate enough to find myself in such a supportive environment. I read so many other blogs written by young women in science who are not only lacking an encouraging advisor, but who are in some cases being systematically browbeaten by senior faculty. It's an important lesson for all of us that have the potential to continue in academia: Remember our own tribulations, disappointments, and failures in order to treat others with compassion.

Disappointment and self doubt

2008-07-06T19:28:00.000-07:00

Having failed to collect the data I was seeking during the recent trip to my field site, my mind has been dwelling of thoughts of failure. Doubting wether I have the skill to complete the research, fear of the disappointment I will see in my professors face tomorrow. The idea of managing a field site and collecting data on the plant species seems simple when planned from the safety of my desk, but the ideas once applied to the real situation never come to fruition. It's incredibly frustrating to have so little control over the experimental variables at this field site.

Tales of a misspent youth

2008-07-05T23:12:00.000-07:00

What is it about the fourth of July that brings out the juvenile delinquent in everyone. Normally sensible adults suddenly have the desire to make homemade fireballs, convert super-soakers to flame throwers, play chicken with roman candles and shoot bottle rockets at each other. The scent of sulfur and burnt hair has filled the air of our quaint little town for the last few days. Not sure if that makes us patriotic or idiotic......

Into the great wide open

2008-07-02T06:13:00.000-07:00

I'm off to the woods for a few days, to collect data at my research plots. Fingers crossed for enough plant growth to make grass ID easy. The forecast is a mix of clouds and sun and temps in the upper 60's (F). Should be just lovely, wish I could spend the whole summer.

One more anniversary link

2008-07-01T14:14:00.000-07:00

GrrlScientist just put a new post up on Natural Selection Turning 150.

Yeah for science!

Favorite Darwin Quote

2008-07-01T11:56:00.000-07:00

On this auspicious day I thought I would share what has always been my favorite Darwin Quote:

"There is grandeur in this view of life, with its several powers, having been originally breathed by the Creator into a few forms or into one; and that, whilst this planet has gone cycling on according to the fixed law of gravity, from so simple a beginning endless forms most beautiful and most wonderful have been, and are being evolved."
—Charles Darwin

On the Origin of Species by Means of Natural Selection, 1859

It's difficult to choose a favorite, but something about this one has always spoke to me. Perhaps it's that you can hear the clear admiration and amazement at the incredible diversity of life he had observed during his explorations. Perhaps it's his attempt at aligning religious and scientific views. More likely, it's the memories of Stephen Jay Gould that this quote conjures for me.

Though Stephen Jay Gould passed away just as I was blossoming as a young scientist I've always felt some unexplainable connection to his writing. I remember the presence of his books in our house growing up, but never read them until entering college. When I was immersed into the world of Darwin I also began reading Gould. With Voyage of the Beagle in one hand and the Flamingo's Smile in the other my view of the world was forever altered.

I think Darwin perfectly describes this alteration of the perceived world we experience through gaining understanding of natural selection; "-from so simple a beginning endless forms most beautiful and most wonderful have been, and are being evolved." It's really a grand view.

150 Years of Natural Selection

2008-07-01T09:54:00.000-07:00

150 Year ago today the scientific world was introduced to a great new scientific concept, and in that time few realms of science have been so hotly debated or passionately disputed by the ignorant, closed-minded, and stupid. The anniversary is chronicled by the beagle project and many other well known blogs...

It was the meeting of the Linnean Society of London on July 1st, 1858. One month before the publication of both Darwin and Wallace's papers, and these lucky scientists got a preview. Can you imagine being there, hearing these ideas for the first time. How thrilling, I wonder how many of them knew just how important these papers would be. I wish I could know what questions they asked, what the feeling of the audience had been. Did some of them truly think nothing of importance had happened that day? Or did some of them have that burning feeling of witnessing history being made. I hope it was the latter, I like to imagine the feeling of scientific revolution.

My favorite picture of Darwin

Douglas Adams

2008-06-30T16:48:00.000-07:00

Quote of the day from iGoogle was another great thought from Douglas Adams and I just had to share:

"He attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence, and it was often difficult to tell which was which."
- Douglas Adams

That is Just how I feel most days.......

Sacrifice

2008-06-30T13:08:00.000-07:00

There are some serious things happening to people in my life right now, and it's got me thinking about sacrifice. Specifically, what part of myself would I sacrifice to survive. Sounds strange I know, but in this world of cancer and disease it is a very real possibility we may have to make such a choice at some point in our lives. Your breast, your bladder, a large portion of your colon, a foot, a leg..... It's morbid to contemplate, and often there will be no other choice, which really isn't making a choice at all. But I'm thinking of the situations when you have a choice, usually a choice between two treatments one being more likely to succeed and more extreme. You can take a chance on one treatment while maintaining your vanity and pride, or you can opt for the more extreme treatment, perhaps sacrificing some personal dignity but gaining a greater assurance of future health. It's hard to know how you will react when faced with your own mortality. Can you be strong enough to sacrifice part of yourself? Would I still feel like me, even though a part of me is missing?

Back in the saddle

2008-06-30T10:12:00.000-07:00

Getting ready this morning was slightly disastrous, but that made the ride into work that much more enjoyable. Ran out of hot water just before I ran my morning bath, and had to boil the kettle to get my bath to a desirable temp. But, still got myself together and out the door basically on time. After sitting in meetings and cars most of last week pedaling to work was amazing. My muscles have been craving a good stretch. The ride was exhilarating and the rest of my day is shaping up nicely. All my plants in the greenhouse survived a week without me and I'm being thoroughly entertained by reading all my notes from the conference last week. Not just references to journal articles needing reading, but choice pieces of insight such as: 'I need to learn to walk in heels, and start buying more sophisticated clothing.' It's funny where your mind goes during meetings....

For the love of dog

2008-06-29T09:22:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm home now, but I had to post one last salute to Vancouver. It became obvious during my stay that dogs play an important role in Vancouver culture. To say that the people of Vancouver merely love their dogs would be an understatement in the extreme. There is an abundance of dog friendly parks, walking paths, hotels, cafes, and little shops all over town. I was tickled by a display at the Westin showing a very posh dog bed available for guests.

"Heavenly Dog Bed" available at the Westin

This adorable little shop was just up the street from the Westin

They had an interesting selection of gourmet dog treats

And other foods, toys, and clothes.

Really a uniquely Vancouver place.

Last call

2008-06-27T06:39:00.000-07:00

Well, it is the last day of the IWSC and I do feel an extreme sense that it is over before it has started. Everyone is exhausted after such a long week and great banquet last night, and of course dwelling on the long trip home. Many I know have left, but I'm not yet sure how full the talks will be today. Hopefully enough remain to stave off the feeling of preforming to an empty theatre for all the unlucky presenters that had to wait until Friday. I've heard a few say, "Well, someone has to go last" and I can almost hear the voice in their head say, "-but why does it have to be me."

The future of weed science

2008-06-27T00:15:00.000-07:00

Tonight was banquet night at the International Weed Science Congress. This is when we recognize exceptional scientists and award the best young weed scientists and students. The night was wonderful, but you couldn't help but notice the disproportionate amount of young females receiving awards.

The future of weed science looks very bright for women. It's something I've noticed in all my graduate courses. There is significantly larger number of women studying in my department right now then men, and It's true of many classes I've taken in other departments. What is ironic is that with one exception the classes were all taught by male professors.

I know this is an issue touched on by many of the other great female/science/academic blogs out there. [For links see blog-roll, at bottom right of screen] I truly hope that this large proportion of women is a new trend, and we will slowly move into higher positions, making the ratio of men to women senior professors more equivalent. I truly hope there isn't some type of filtering process that separates out all female weed scientists sometime around the postdoc phase.

I suppose only time will tell, but in the afterglow of a lovely night of good food, canadian beer, amusing conversation, and vigorous dancing I'm feeling quite optimistic. I see a future for women from all nations and backgrounds in our field. Though our female roll models are few, they are extraordinary, and they have the knowledge, experience, and tools to assist us. Our male roll-models seem equally supportive and willing to mold us to our greatest potential. How lucky we are to be in this academic life......

The social dynamics of professional meetings

2008-06-26T10:31:00.000-07:00

I've found the patterns of social behavior throughout the conference to be very interesting. Particularly during the poster sessions and free periods when we as participants shape the format of the meeting. The nonverbal communication of poster presenters is particularly interesting. The way a presenter stands, gestures, and the amount of eye contact they give to the "passers-by" has and intriguing effect on the number of people who stop and discuss the poster with them. And we as "passers-by" are clearly making judgements about the presenters on this non-verbal communication and this is how we chose to engage. Such choices can have an important affect on the professional future of both the presenter and their audience, so it is interesting that non-verbal behavior will have such significance.

Sorry for the rambling-thought post, just a bit of mental regurgitation during a lull in the conference.

Most imported part of meetings.

2008-06-26T06:44:00.000-07:00

The last few days attending sessions and socializing with other weed scientists at IWSC I've been wondering what will end up being the most important thing I do while I'm here.

Perhaps a connection I make with a scientist will prove to be beneficial to my career in the future.

It's possible that some of the bites of information out of my normal realm will give me new perspective on my own research, possibly even direct me down a new path.

The overall theme of shared problems and weed concerns has certainly open my eyes to the possibility of research in other parts of the world. (Although, Antarctica is still top of my list and unfortunately no one is here representing those weed issues.)

And lastly, if I have any more amazingly fun days in Vancouver I may have to immigrate, but I'm not sure I could afford it.

Botanical Garden and other stops

2008-06-26T00:03:00.000-07:00

Today (day three of the International Weed Science Congress) was field trip day. We started at the botanical garden on the UBC campus, it was by far the best stop. Though, the final stop at a cranberry winery was interesting. Some of the highlights...

Cardiocrinum giganteum - Giant Himalayan Lily

Grows to 15 feet high!

Minotaur and a hare. Statue made of chicken wire and bed springs on loan to the garden.

The final stop. Tried cranberry and strawberry wine, and blackberry port. The wine was okay, but it all had a "fortified" flavor from the large amount of white sugar added for fermentation.

A rose by any other name......

2008-06-25T07:16:00.000-07:00

Some more images from the UBC rose garden. I don't know the variety names but they all smelled delightful!

Beautiful UBC

2008-06-25T05:29:00.000-07:00

Spend the evening after day two wandering around the UBC campus. It is lovely. Very sophisticated and well designed. Some of the nicest images.....

The rose garden in bloom

The totem poles in front of the museum

Pacific spirit regional park

Enlightening additional information

2008-06-24T17:42:00.000-07:00

Writing form the IWSC....

It's funny how we travel so far to attend conventions, spend endless hours in sessions, taking in and processing an incredible amount of information, and yet some of the best bits of information comes from casually chatting with other scientists. Such as the enlightening comments I heard from an senior professor who I have come to idolize....

Such as the fact that we constantly repeat studies that we already know what the outcome will be because we desire conformation. It's very similar to the definition of insanity I've heard in the past, repeating the same process but expecting a different result.....

Additionally, the need to repeat a experiment without modification in order to be able to publish the data, even if it didn't work well the first time, and we could make it better by modification before replication.

It's interesting. Observations that seem so obvious but I would have needed years of experience in the field before I would have made then on my own.

IWSC - More on day one

2008-06-24T06:06:00.000-07:00

While I've already mentioned briefly that the high point of day one was an Australian farmers presentation on farming land with a large population of herbicide resistant weeds, I thought I would mention some more great things I learned.

I had a fascinating talk with a passionate scientist who did her thesis work on Buddleja davidii. She was extremely interested in the social biology of of invasive weeds and their spread. Butterfly bush was an amazing example of this because people feel so strongly on both sides of the argument (beneficial shrub vs. noxious weed). I love this area of inquiry, the human component of invasion and how it relates to human history and perception of nature.

I learn about a potentially important bio-herbicide that is being tested on kudzu. It shows great control potential without adverse effect to the trees the kudzu smothers as is grows. I think some help in that area might possibly be greatly appreciated by residents of the southeast US.

New weeds I learned about:

Lantana camara (Lantana)

Lygodium microphyllum (old world climbing fern)

The 5th International Weed Science Congress

2008-06-23T19:32:00.000-07:00

Day One

More than 500 people

From 48 Countries

Presenting more than 250 posters

and 21 different oral sessions,

with I don't know how many individual presentations.

In other words: AWESOME!

Vancouver has many nice water features.

Some other (less than scientific) things I observed today

75 words on a slide is too many
It's greatly appreciated when the speaker before lunch ends on time
Charismatic farmers give the best talks
I need to practice my professional banter (and reduce the excessive nodding and idiotic smiling)

New word: "transformer" - a weed that drastically changes an environment it invades by adding extra layers to the environment.

How to know you're in a foreign land

2008-06-23T06:25:00.000-07:00

Vancouver has such a lovely Pacific Northwest Culture it's easy to forget I'm not back home. But I did notice distinct signs that I wasn't in Kansas anymore....

Traffic signals sometimes inexplicably flash green.

Cuban Cigars are readily available.

Taxicabs are hybrid fuel vehicles, more often than not.

Bathrooms have been transformed to washrooms.

The emperors new clothes

2008-06-22T04:55:00.000-07:00

Well I'm all packed and leaving for Vancouver in an hour. Attending the International Weed Science Congress this week. I'm looking forward to staying in Vancouver again, this time I'll be sharing dorms at UBC with a dozen other grad-students from our lab. The conference is at the Westin over near Stanley park.

The really amazing part of getting ready for this trip was locating a weeks worth of business clothes in my disaster of a closet. Being presentable and business like for a day or every two day's in a row has always been do-able. But a full weeks worth of "dressing-my-best" is, I'm embarrassed to say, something I've never had to do. Regardless, I'm attempting to present myself as a real science profession instead of a sarcastic grad-student who laughs too loudly. Never know how important each new acquaintance can be, and saying that first impressions are the most important would be redundant.

You gotta love this town

2008-06-20T10:29:00.000-07:00

Had to run a quick errand down to the city library. I was cruising across campus on my bicycle contemplating the emptiness of a small university town in the summer. All the seasonal students have gone home and we "year-rounders" are left to enjoy the quiet and peace of Corvallis in summer. A city built around the University.

As I cruised towards central park my ears perked up at an intriguing sound, a drumming circle. The strangest part was that the circle appear to be performing for a large gyrating group of young children. An urban hippie day care? not sure....

Smiling to myself and cutting across the park pathway to the library, I did another double-take. There was a massive group of people waiting in front of the library. Being that this is Corvallis my mind first went to protestors, but at the library? and no signs. Just lots of People all types and ages, but the majority were mothers with small children. I was left with the obvious conclusion that they were all waiting for the library to open. Over 40 people lined up to get in to the library on a warm summer morning. Amazing. It reminded me of the lines of people waiting to get in to the Wal-Mart on christmas eve in the southern Oregon town I used to live in. That's a sad commentary. But hey they are both centers for the community, right?

Is there hope?

2008-06-19T10:57:00.000-07:00

Recently I've taken to complaining about the lack of transportation options for people "like me" - i.e. not very wealthy but feels guilty about driving gas-powered vehicles. The best option for the husband and I has been to bicycle everywhere (and for him this includes a 21 mile roundtrip ride to work each day.) I've been so disappointed with the technology that is available, electric vehicles that can't go fast enough or far enough, and are basically designed to only go to the places I bike to now. And Hybrid technology that in my opinion is not going to be the answer in the long scheme of things. Alternative fuels that are exciting to learn about, but each one seems have a whole other set of issues. I have to wonder how many of these vehicles are going to be the next steam car, and fall out of use as quickly as they are introduced.

A story on NPR this morning answered a few of the questions I had about vehicle options. The potential for new companies and new vehicles soon to be available. And best of all he predicted vehicles that are "priced for the masses" and a greater public acceptance of alternative vehicles.

It's a nice thought, but I'm still impatiently waiting for an option that fits with my lifestyle.

I found this great video at a new-to-me blog: Plugs and cars. Good blog, must read more....

Enjoy:

Changing behavior

2008-06-12T15:06:00.000-07:00

Campus feels very different today. There is an increased emptiness now that people are wrapping up their final exams and either heading home or taking a short break from work. The hallways have a dark echoing feeling with so many shut doors. The pathways thru campus are sparsely scattered with students behaving in a "schools out for summer" manner. Walking about without determination or apparent destination, loitering in parking lots, in front of school buildings and cafes. Some choice conversation snippets I overheard included "Just how wasted was I last night?" and "Hey, there she is! How's it going slut?" It really is amazing to me that these students are intelligent enough to compete at the university level. Perhaps it's just the natural end of school year release, some of us get really drunk and behave like heathens, and some of us spend three hour scrubbing our stove top until in sparkles. Everyone just needs a bit of change and a way to release the tension.

The inhumanity of man

2008-06-12T08:06:00.000-07:00

I'll never be able to understand how a person can be cruel to the helpless little creatures. My husband is a veterinary nurse and in his work he is witness to unimaginable evil. Some days seem to be particularly full of horrifying stories. The worst of yesterday was a tiny kitten being tossed from a moving vehicle during morning traffic. Thank god, a kind woman saw it happen and saved the little dear. He still doesn't know if the kitten will survive, the skeletal damage is minimal, but the brain damage is difficult quantify and to heal.

Is there a logical explanation for spurts of evil in the community? The classic explanation of moon phase is illogical since we are at an intermediate waxing stage. Could it be depression from our winter extending in to June this year? Stress from the end of school, graduation, life changes. I know it is ridiculous to attempt to make sense of something evil or of insane behavior. This is a problem I've always had. I remember as a small child asking my mother why John Lennon was murdered, she told me simply that the man was crazy, and you can't logically explain why. This truth is as difficult to accept now as it was then. It seems like every time I'm faced with a tragic event I try to justify it, rationalize why it happened, campus shootings, the suicide of a gifted young professor, harming helpless animals.

It's pointless, but I can prevent myself doing it.

Relaxation update

2008-06-10T09:14:00.000-07:00

Looks like the hammock is out for this week. We're having an unusually cold and rainy June here in Oregon. Last nights exercise in relaxation was a wash. Had a very nice pub dinner followed by a really bad rental flick. I'll have to try again tonight, perhaps a Kim Stanley Robinson novel, chips and salsa, and a cool beer.

The end is nye

2008-06-09T16:37:00.000-07:00

Just need to drop off my Stats term paper and I'll have wrapped up my first year of grad school. At the end of fall term I toasted with Champagne and Guinness.

At the end of winter term I spent a week in Vancouver, drinking the best beer BC could offer.

And now for spring term I feel an anti-climax. I kinda just want to have a relaxing swing in the hammock and read a book. Sounds lame, but a guilt free evening that includes reading for entertainment is unattainable during the school year, and can truly only be found during this brief transitional period where the stress of classes wane and the stress of research has yet to build.

Catharsis

2008-06-02T17:34:00.000-07:00

One week left of term and the veil of procrastination has been lifted. Writing term papers (ie paper that should take a term to write) in a short period of time (like a week) can be a form of catharsis. Dumping every thought and applicable strand of information out through your fingers and into the computer gives me a feeling of being lighter and emptier when finished. I still wish I hadn't procrastinated, but at least there is an upside to the stress and pressure I've subjected myself to.

Epiphany

2008-05-28T10:13:00.000-07:00

Statistics is awesome.

Why the hell did I resist for so long?

Pasteur's insight

2008-05-28T08:40:00.000-07:00

Listening to the Science Friday podcast this morning I was drawn to a Louis Pasteur quote:

"Chance favors the prepared mind."

Ira quoted Pasteur when introducing a story on recent amazing observation of the early stages of a supernova. What a fantastic description of how most great scientific discoveries occur. We train ourselves, believe in our instinct, and use science to discover the why behind our luck. What a brilliant man Pasteur was.

Blind leading blind?

2008-05-23T13:18:00.000-07:00

This afternoon I got a call from a young woman who is finding herself in the same position I was in a little over a year ago. She's considering graduate school, studying in my area of research, and was looking for advice and help making contacts. I tried to help, I can remember so many seemingly futile efforts at making first contact. I still feel like I got here simply by luck and a series of chance happenings, so I don't feel completely qualified to offer advice. I also feel a little guilty about having gotten this opportunity. Let me explain, one of those chance happening was being introduced to my current advisor at a meeting just over a year ago. The young woman who called me today was also attending the meeting and also introduced to my current advisor. Somehow, almost magically, a year later I ended up here - hence the guilt. I don't know, I guess I just feel unqualified to advise someone on how to get your foot in the graduate school door.

TGINFW? Thank god it's not finals week!

2008-05-08T09:19:00.000-07:00

A recent post from ScienceWoman has me relieved that I'm not dealing with finals right now while my focus is trying to be productive in the research arena. It's interesting to hear the finals stress from the point of view of the professor. I've often wondered about the effect this stress environment has on professors and students like. Though I must admit that reading her blog was the first time I truly considered exam stress from a professors point of view. I've heard professors describe stress dreams they have about still being a student and missing exams. But the stress of being a professor sounds equally awful, if not worse. Fear of being unprepared to give an exam to all those students must be so much worse than our fear of being unprepared to take the exam. As students there is some small measure of anonymity when taking exams and being graded, but professors have none. Some times I wonder why we chose this academic life?

other College activities

2008-04-29T10:49:00.000-07:00

So, I spent a few minutes this morning filling out a departmental scholarship form. There was a spot on the form for College activities, clubs, offices held, honors, awards, etc. I had nothing to put. I work 10-12 hours a day, most days of the week. If I find free time I try to spend it cleaning house, doing laundry, or sleeping, not on any extracurricular activities. And I know that is also true of all the other grad-students in my lab. As far as honor and awards go, that was why I was applying for the scholarships. I have to start building the CV if I want to get any where in this academic life.

So, I finally stretched a bit and listed a few activities from my undergraduate career just so I didn't leave the section blank, but that was 4 years ago, and even then I spend most of my time working and doing research. I always assumed my lack of a social life and dedication to my work would be an advantage in the professional/academic world. Now I have to wonder if I'm wrong. Are great there professional benefits to extracurricular activities?

Scientists and cats

2008-04-19T08:52:00.000-07:00

I've been catching up on some of my favorite blogs this morning and came across a wonderful post from GrrlScientist with an adorable video about engineers and their kitties. I had a really good chuckle and my husband and I are convinced that our young male orange-tabby guest starred in the video

Finding inspiration in an eppendorf tube

2008-04-18T18:53:00.000-07:00

I finally feel like I did more than just go through the motions today. In the end I even feel a little inspired. I spent all my free time between and after classes re-learning how to run a PCR and subsequently running a few this evening.

In the past I've always thought of the molecular work as a slightly amusing but extremely informative part of my research, but that all the fun stuff happens in the greenhouse and fieldwork. But today I found the little joy and motivation in the molecular work that I had been seeking all week in the greenhouse.

I've been thinking that the rhythmic lab work can be somehow soothing and regenerative. Sort of like the rhythm of rocking in a rocking-chair. Changing pipet tips, drawing-up buffers, dispensing to tubes, and repeating the process. It must be true that it's the little things in life that bring you joy.

Going through the motions

2008-04-18T07:28:00.000-07:00

Lately it has felt like the wind is out of my sails. I'm still here, working same hours, appearing to put in the same effort, and still getting acceptable results, but I feel like I just don't have the same passion behind it. I almost feel like a cubicle monkey today, which is very unusual for me. I can usually find inspiration in the academic lifestyle, but lately I just can't seem to find the motivation to push beyond the merely acceptable. I keep going through the motions hoping something will click into place but so far nothing has worked. I've tried spending extra time in the greenhouse the last few days hoping the positive energy of the green plants would do the trick but today I'm stuck again without feeling the inspiration needed to make something exceptional happen.

Degrading social skills

2008-04-11T07:43:00.000-07:00

I was blown away by an old friends accusation that I was both angry and annoyed with them. I have apparently forgotten to return phone calls and looked annoyed at their presence at a recent coffee meeting with another friend. I really hadn't realized that I was projecting these feelings towards them and it has got me thinking again about the effect of being totally immersed in the graduate student life.

Could living and working as a graduate student be degrading my social skills?

I've commented before on the strangeness of this life. The loneliness, stress, and change in thinking that you feel as a graduate student. In my life I have met a few people who are considered "over-educated." People who have pursued their education to the point that they seem incapable normal social relationships and are unable to find regular employment.

So, my question is: Are these "over-educated" "unemployable" people this way because they continued their student life beyond what is considered a normal length of time? Or do those people pursue further education because of some pre-existing social inadequacy or awkwardness?

the academic filter

2008-04-03T15:11:00.000-07:00

I have a theory about graduate committees. They can function in two ways: as an academic filter or as an academic trampoline. When functioning as a filter a student pours a large amount of ideas and research plans through the filter and the ideas and plans are screened down to a smaller reasonable number. When functioning as a trampoline ideas and research plans are poured on to the trampoline and the bounce back at the student as different trajectories and velocities.

eau de Autoclave

2008-04-02T08:42:00.000-07:00

It's funny how vividly smells trigger memories. I used an autoclave to sterilize rooting mix yesterday and that distinctive autoclave odor sent me down memory lane. It's difficult to describe, a slightly sweet but earthy smell. With one sniff memories of my undergraduate job in a fruit fly lab came flooding back. Liquifying fruit-fly medium, scrubbing out tiny vials, sterilizing and refilling the vials with fresh medium. The things you do for an honest buck when you are a student. But I must say that it got me thinking about jobs where you don't think, you just do. You shut off your brain and work. You don't even have to decide what you need to do or how to do it, you are just told. Sometimes I miss the simplicity of those kind of tasks.

Breakdown, meltdown, cracking up...

2008-03-30T16:59:00.000-07:00

I had my first real stress induced breakdown of my graduate career this afternoon. I made it through the first two terms without being reduced to a puddle of tears, but no more. Yes, it is completely girlie to cry when you are stressed, but I am a girl - so bite me!

Since I first started school I've been working on my thesis proposal, and now that I'm facing my first grad-committee meeting (this thursday) I've been working even harder on perfecting it. Writing for long hours of the day and giving the transformations of the draft to my professor for editing (with the hopes of sending the proposal to committee members tomorrow morning.) Normally I love getting a draft back with lots of good comments and changes, I firmly believe that editing is what make writing great. But today I received my latest draft by email with a suite of comments, and as I scrolled through them I realized it would take many hours to make these changes, many more hours than I would have to work on it tomorrow morning.

Slowly the realization sunk in, I had to go back to work. Normally this wouldn't bother me much, I work most days, but I had planned on spending today with my husband, going rock climbing and brewing a batch of beer. I felt crushed, and I knew just how disappointed he would be and I lost it. I started packing up my bag and the hot tears started rolling, frustration burned through me. My husband didn't know how to help but offered lots of heartfelt but unhelpful advice, like refusing to make the changes and such. Nice idea, but that just isn't how it works. There should be a support group for spouses of graduate students. I'm sure he was even more frustrated than I felt, being unable to do anything to help me.

Having now experienced this little meltdown, and subsequent mini-breakdowns this afternoon at my desk, I realize it was just another inevitable part of the graduate school process. I should just be glad it didn't happen during my committee meeting.

I'm reminded of stories one of my best friends tells me about her fellow vet-school students having breakdowns in the middle of lecture yelling at the professor and storming out. I was shocked the first time she told me such a story and I wondered if they treated the students any different after suck a breakdown. Her response was simply no, we all breakdown eventually and it's usually public and humiliating so we're all really supportive when it happens to a fellow vet-student.

Totally unbelievable.

Professional school (in her case) and graduate school (in my case) is so overwhelming at times that it is totally acceptable to have a disruptive public breakdown. How does that make our social dynamics any different than a pre-school class?

It sounds absurd, I know, but I can't help but feel there is a little truth in it.

Anthropology Museum - University of BC

2008-03-23T08:26:00.001-07:00

Absolutely amazing museum. This picture is a close up of the face of a carved speaker pole.

Thai tea

2008-03-21T18:31:00.000-07:00

Wonderful pot of tea at lunch. Green tea with jasmine blossoms and rose buds, as optional golden raisins added to your cup. (the Curries weren't half bad either.)

Stanley Park

2008-03-21T18:23:00.000-07:00

Look what I found walking in Stanley Park this morning, a healthy little gorse bush. I didn't think it had invaded this far north, but apparently I was wrong.

Greetings from Vancouver (BC)

2008-03-21T08:54:00.000-07:00

A good start - Beer sampler at the Steamworks brewery

One hurdle down,

2008-03-17T14:38:00.000-07:00

-50 bazillion to go!

No, really it does actually feel good to finish up classwork for the term. Getting much closer to rest, beer, and sleep. Now that my tests are done I just have to:

1. finish a final draft of my thesis proposal

2. prepare a presentation on my research to give to working professionals

3. prepare a presentation for my first committee meeting

4. Clean the house up before the cat-sitter realizes what a pig I am

And then I am free for spring break! Vancouver here I come.

So I over estimated with my count of 50-bazillion things to do, but come-on it does sorta feel that way when all I really want is a pint of beer and a nap.

Paul Dirac quote

2008-03-16T17:14:00.000-07:00

A really great quote from my google quote of the day widget:

"In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite."
Paul Dirac
English physicist in US (1902 - 1984)