Why a PhD isn't for me

Well, it's the eve of my masters thesis defense and for my last pre-masters blog post I've settled on a somewhat topical topic (can topics be topical? or is that ridiculously redundant). I've been asked a lot over the last few months about continuing school and getting a PhD. I've had a wide variety of inquires about this possible future (some inquires more coercive than others) from professors, classmates, family and friends and there is always a necessity to explain yourself. And the explanations seem to need to be better than "While that PhD assistantship in a remote corner of Idaho studying the viscosity of mud on a rainy day is hard to pass up, I value my sanity and would like to be able to afford to buy a new pair of socks in the next 10 years." So, aside from issues of money, connivence, and sanity I give you my top three reasons (well maybe not the TOP three, but three good ones anyway) why a PhD is not for me:

1. I want to live where I'll be happy, near home. I want to have mountains and ocean and sun and rain and snow and feel like I have the conveniences of civilization without living anywhere near a mega-city. Professors that are just starting out need to be free to move to the best job, not the best location, and PhD positions with private industry invariably put you in mega-cities.
2. I have no desire to be a book-keeper or accountant, especially one with no training. It's amazing that without financial training professors are expected to juggle budgets, manage grant money, and find ways to magically make money appear and disappear in different places so that labs can have a functioning staff and equipment.
3. I want to be happy. It's sad and hard to admit but I don't think many professors I know are very happy. I know a lot of it is connected to current budget crises and the added stress of pay cuts and a uncertain future for the University. I think they are frustrated and unhappy, and kind of stuck because of the massive investment they've made too their programs. It's a lot like the stress of being a small business owner without having much control over improving the situation.

So for now this is it, no Phd for me, just a lowly Masters of Science and a plan to be happy.

A kind of final draft

Drafts are never really final are they? You just stop editing them at some point. I've been exchanging drafts of thesis chapters with my professor and there's alway something new to add, a way of re-phrasing a sentence. It's not at all bothersome. In fact it's a relief to be more than two weeks from that day circled on my calendar, "Draft to Committee!" and be in a kind of final draft. I think that final drafts are really just a myth. At some point we'll say "that's enough, lets move on." we'll have the "sufficient draft". Then the committee will spend their two weeks with it. We'll all gather for the day of torture (or the defense if you like) and then my professor and I will spend another 2 weeks exchanging drafts that incorporate a selection of committee comments and edits until we again decide enough is enough and then we have the "sufficiently final draft" which will be printed, bound and cataloged in both the university and departmental libraries to take up 1 inch of shelf space, gather dust, and be universally forgotten.

Somedays it helps to work at not thinking that far ahead....

The Jack of all trades......

Is the master of none.

It's a problem I've faced for a long time.  Having eclectic interests hinders your ability to become an expert in one thing.  I've been dwelling on this a lot lately.  I like taking a wide range of classes, looking at my project from every point of view, learning as much about other peoples work as I can.  But I overheard a comment from an office-mate the other day and it's been niggling at me ever since.  The comment could be summarized as: grad students shouldn't take many classes, but should instead stay focused on their own project only taking courses that directly relate to our work.  I guess I can see their point but I've always thought of grad school as my opportunity to increase my knowledge about everything, not just to get my own project done.

During a class yesterday the professor said: "the jack of all trades is the master of none."  Now they were referring to the evolution of host specificity in herbivorous insects, not my future as a scientist, but I was still struck by the statement.  It's funny how passing comment like that can stick with you.  Along the same lines, a soils professor I took a class from once said that everyone is an expert on something.  I've never been able to land on anything I'm an expert on.  I know quite a lot about many things, I know just a little about a lot more things, and I know very little about most of the rest.  But I am an expert on nothing.

So what is the point of education?  Becoming an expert in your area? or Learning about everything you can?  Or is there some other reason for all this knowledge that hasn't occurred to me?

Two long months

It has been a while since I even thought about blogs.  I haven't read any of the usual suspects or taken the time to update my own.  No surprise, I've been unnaturally busy with school and research.  Sometimes I wonder why I bother with this silliness, and then I think about my own search for blogs about graduate school and life in science.  The search for commonality, understanding, explanations, and the deep need to speak without consequence or justification.  

I guess I can sum up my two months of absence very simply: Life, sometimes it's unbelievingly awesome and other times it sucks so hard you can't take it.  The more joy you can find in the good days, the easier it is to get through the bad.

Sometimes I wish I could grow facial hair.

I could feel its imminent arrival at the beginning of the week.  A zit of such volcanic proportions villagers would quiver in its shadow.  Normally such circumstances would not more than trouble me, but this particular week appearances are rather more important than usual.  The first week of my graduate teaching assignment.  I spent three hours speaking in front of a group of students with a diorama of Vesuvius on my face.  No the most auspicious way to began my career as a TA.

Back in the saddle

Getting ready this morning was slightly disastrous, but that made the ride into work that much more enjoyable.  Ran out of hot water just before I ran my morning bath, and had to boil the kettle to get my bath to a desirable temp.  But, still got myself together and out the door basically on time.  After sitting in meetings and cars most of last week pedaling to work was amazing.  My muscles have been craving a good stretch.  The ride was exhilarating and the rest of my day is shaping up nicely.  All my plants in the greenhouse survived a week without me and I'm being thoroughly entertained by reading all my notes from the conference last week.  Not just references to journal articles needing reading, but choice pieces of insight such as: 'I need to learn to walk in heels, and start buying more sophisticated clothing.' It's funny where your mind goes during meetings....

The end is nye

Just need to drop off my Stats term paper and I'll have wrapped up my first year of grad school. At the end of fall term I toasted with Champagne and Guinness.

At the end of winter term I spent a week in Vancouver, drinking the best beer BC could offer.

And now for spring term I feel an anti-climax.  I kinda just want to have a relaxing swing in the hammock and read a book.  Sounds lame, but a guilt free evening that includes reading for entertainment is unattainable during the school year, and can truly only be found during this brief transitional period where the stress of classes wane and the stress of research has yet to build.

Blind leading blind?

This afternoon I got a call from a young woman who is finding herself in the same position I was in a little over a year ago.  She's considering graduate school, studying in my area of research, and was looking for advice and help making contacts.  I tried to help, I can remember so many seemingly futile efforts at making first contact.  I still feel like I got here simply by luck and a series of chance happenings, so I don't feel completely qualified to offer advice.  I also feel a little guilty about having gotten this opportunity.  Let me explain, one of those chance happening was being introduced to my current advisor at a meeting just over a year ago.  The young woman who called me today was also attending the meeting and also introduced to my current advisor.  Somehow, almost magically,  a year later I ended up here - hence the guilt.  I don't know, I guess I just feel unqualified to advise someone on how to get your foot in the graduate school door.

other College activities

So, I spent a few minutes this morning filling out a departmental scholarship form.  There was a spot on the form for College activities, clubs, offices held, honors, awards, etc.  I had nothing to put.  I work 10-12 hours a day, most days of the week.  If I find free time I try to spend it cleaning house, doing laundry, or sleeping, not on any extracurricular activities.  And I know that is also true of all the other grad-students in my lab.  As far as honor and awards go, that was why I was applying for the scholarships.  I have to start building the CV if I want to get any where in this academic life.  

So, I finally stretched a bit and listed a few activities from my undergraduate career just so I didn't leave the section blank, but that was 4 years ago, and even then I spend most of my time working and doing research.  I always assumed my lack of a social life and dedication to my work would be an advantage in the professional/academic world.  Now I have to wonder if I'm wrong.  Are great there professional benefits to extracurricular activities?

Going through the motions

Lately it has felt  like the wind is out of my sails.  I'm still here, working same hours, appearing to put in the same effort, and still getting acceptable results, but I feel like I just don't have the same passion behind it.  I almost feel like a cubicle monkey today, which is very unusual for me.  I can usually find inspiration in the academic lifestyle, but lately I just can't seem to find the motivation to push beyond the merely acceptable.  I keep going through the motions hoping something will click into place but so far nothing has worked.  I've tried spending extra time in the greenhouse the last few days hoping the positive energy of the green plants would do the trick but today I'm stuck again without feeling the inspiration needed to make something exceptional happen.

Degrading social skills

I was blown away by an old friends accusation that I was both angry and annoyed with them. I have apparently forgotten to return phone calls and looked annoyed at their presence at a recent coffee meeting with another friend. I really hadn't realized that I was projecting these feelings towards them and it has got me thinking again about the effect of being totally immersed in the graduate student life.

Could living and working as a graduate student be degrading my social skills?

I've commented before on the strangeness of this life. The loneliness, stress, and change in thinking that you feel as a graduate student. In my life I have met a few people who are considered "over-educated." People who have pursued their education to the point that they seem incapable normal social relationships and are unable to find regular employment.

So, my question is: Are these "over-educated" "unemployable" people this way because they continued their student life beyond what is considered a normal length of time? Or do those people pursue further education because of some pre-existing social inadequacy or awkwardness?

the academic filter

I have a theory about graduate committees.  They can function in two ways: as an academic filter or as an academic trampoline.  When functioning as a filter a student pours a large amount of ideas and research plans through the filter and the ideas and plans are screened down to a smaller reasonable number.  When functioning as a trampoline ideas and research plans are poured on to the trampoline and the bounce back at the student as different trajectories and velocities.  

eau de Autoclave

It's funny how vividly smells trigger memories.  I used an autoclave to sterilize rooting mix yesterday and that distinctive autoclave odor sent me down memory lane.  It's difficult to describe, a slightly sweet but earthy smell.  With one sniff memories of my undergraduate job in a fruit fly lab came flooding back.  Liquifying fruit-fly medium, scrubbing out tiny vials, sterilizing and refilling the vials with fresh medium.  The things you do for an honest buck when you are a student.  But I must say that it got me thinking about jobs where you don't think, you just do.  You shut off your brain and work.  You don't even have to decide what you need to do or how to do it, you are just told.  Sometimes I miss the simplicity of those kind of tasks.

Breakdown, meltdown, cracking up...

I had my first real stress induced breakdown of my graduate career this afternoon.  I made it through the first two terms without being reduced to a puddle of tears, but no more.  Yes, it is completely girlie to cry when you are stressed, but I am a girl - so bite me!

Since I first started school I've been working on my thesis proposal, and now that I'm facing my first grad-committee meeting (this thursday) I've been working even harder on perfecting it. Writing for long hours of the day and giving the transformations of the draft to my professor for editing (with the hopes of sending the proposal to committee members tomorrow morning.) Normally I love getting a draft back with lots of good comments and changes, I firmly believe that editing is what make writing great.  But today I received my latest draft by email with a suite of comments, and as I scrolled through them I realized it would take many hours to make these changes, many more hours than I would have to work on it tomorrow morning.  

Slowly the realization sunk in, I had to go back to work.  Normally this wouldn't bother me much, I work most days, but I had planned on spending today with my husband, going rock climbing and brewing a batch of beer.  I felt crushed, and I knew just how disappointed he would be and I lost it.  I started packing up my bag and the hot tears started rolling, frustration burned through me.  My husband didn't know how to help but offered lots of heartfelt but unhelpful advice, like refusing to make the changes and such.  Nice idea, but that just isn't how it works.  There should be a support group for spouses of graduate students.  I'm sure he was even more frustrated than I felt, being unable to do anything to help me.

Having now experienced this little meltdown, and subsequent mini-breakdowns this afternoon at my desk, I realize it was just another inevitable part of the graduate school process.  I should just be glad it didn't happen during my committee meeting.  

I'm reminded of stories one of my best friends tells me about her fellow vet-school students having breakdowns in the middle of lecture yelling at the professor and storming out.  I was shocked the first time she told me such a story and I wondered if they treated the students any different after suck a breakdown.  Her response was simply no, we all breakdown eventually and it's usually public and humiliating so we're all really supportive when it happens to a fellow vet-student.  

Totally unbelievable.  

Professional school (in her case) and graduate school (in my case) is so overwhelming at times that it is totally acceptable to have a disruptive public breakdown.  How does that make our social dynamics any different than a pre-school class?

It sounds absurd, I know, but I can't help but feel there is a little truth in it.

One hurdle down,

-50 bazillion to go!

No, really it does actually feel good to finish up classwork for the term.  Getting much closer to rest, beer, and sleep.  Now that my tests are done I just have to:

1. finish a final draft of my thesis proposal

2. prepare a presentation on my research to give to working professionals

3. prepare a presentation for my first committee meeting

4. Clean the house up before the cat-sitter realizes what a pig I am 

And then I am free for spring break!  Vancouver here I come.

So I over estimated with my count of 50-bazillion things to do, but come-on it does sorta feel that way when all I really want is a pint of beer and a nap.

More than just the week comes to a close....

The end of another fantastical week of graduate school.

The end of winter term.

The end of a satisfying botany class.

The final days of statistics, the final push before grades are out.  

Time to focus and drive ourselves.

And then finally it will be time for rest, time for beer, and time for sleep.

I think that will be a mantra to finish the last few days of Term: Focus, rest, beer, sleep.  Focus, rest, beer sleep.  It actually has a nice flow to it, or perhaps I am to brain dead to be clever right now.  Yes, I think it's the latter, definitely.

The Gift of Space

I tend to go to my office if I need to write, study, or just to concentrate.  Occasionally I read a journal article in a coffee shop or pub, but I need to keep my headphones on so that music blocks out the distractions.  Needless to say, I don't get much work done at home.  I usually don't bother to try working at home, unless I'm home alone and all the pets are sleeping (that rarely happens.)  

But on occasion I do attempt it.  I did so this morning, My husband had a late start time for work, so I stayed home for an extra couple hours thinking I could have an extra cup of coffee with him and review for my next exam.  It was not turning out to be a very productive environment, and I finally had to say something.  Lovely man he is, he gave me the space I needed to finish my work, and I was so grateful.  He frequently wants to help me with school, and I really appreciate this when I have plants to re-pot or study cards he can quiz me with.  But in this case what I needed the most from him was a little space.  It's amazing how much it helps to just be left alone sometimes, even for a short period of time.  It's difficult to ask for, I'm always wary of hurt feelings, but sometimes space is one of the best gifts we can receive.

While other people are starting families.....

We are starting thesis projects.

I recently found out that my closest friend from high school (who is happy, well educated, and successful) is having a baby.  And it just got me thinking.  So many graduate students I know seem to have that part of their life on hold.  We spend some prime dating, marrying, procreating years attending classes, conducting research, and publishing papers.

There are exceptions to the rule (I got married quite young for example, so have had a loving and dependable spouse throughout my "adult" life) I know other students who have young children when they return to graduate school, and still others who start families during graduate school.  But their is a large number of us that seem to have that part of the brain switched off.  The idea of a family doesn't even seem comprehensible to many of us, and I can't help but wonder if that instinct will ever be switched back on.  

Will there be this large group of socially repressed, childless, but brilliant scientists solving the worlds problems in a few years?  I guess lately part of me has felt like instead of moving forward by leaving a career for grad-school I've some how regressed.   Apparently most people would say the is something wrong with you for enjoying an evening spent with your laptop and a pint of beer.

An excess of hand gestures

- makes you look insane.
It's bizarre. I feel myself doing it and tell myself to stop, but I continue to flail my arms about and gesture in nonsensical ways, hoping to get my point across. The harder I try to communicate to the audience the more blank looks I get. That glazed over expression is so distressing. I feel for my professors, we students cut them no slack. I can see why they like to turn the tables on us and require oral presentations.
Boy, teaching labs next year is really going to be fun (was that dripping with enough sarcasm?)

Maintaining balance

Students at every level struggle with balance.  Perhaps an even wiser statement would be all humans struggle with balance.  But for students it is always balancing school with other things in you life, family, friends, hobbies, work, sports.  It's nearly impossible to get it right all the time, and naturally other aspects of your life always pull on you the hardest when all of your attention needs to be focused on school.  I wish I could say that I have figured out a way to deal with it, but I probably use one of the worst tactics.  I tend to ignore phone calls and skip fun activities as deadlines approach.  I'd like to send out this note just before the end of term hits: 

"Dear family, friends, and loved ones,

For the next two weeks please refrain from any dramatic altercations, mental breakdowns, life altering revelations, time consuming favors, tragic accidents, and life changing decisions that need my in-put.  Thank you for your cooperation in this matter, communications will now cease until after my last final."

But I have a feeling it wouldn't go over too well.